April 27, 2010

When I was young, I remember my Grandmother telling me (I don't remember the conversation) that she was sure that Al Capone's mother loved him!

I couldn't imagine someone loving someone that killed people. In my immature mind, I couldn't comprehend that a mother or anyone for that matter, could love someone unconditionally....even if they were a murder or thief or a 'bad guy'.

As I grew up, I learned what it was to love someone for good and bad (not gangster bad) but someone who hurt your feelings, fight or argue with you and then make up and be friends again. These are lessons we learn when we are young with our friends. Having parents that loved me and were there for me also taught me a lesson of love and faith and comfort of knowing someone loved me, didn't matter if I was fat/skinny, ugly/beautiful, bratty/well behaved, they even loved me when I had zits on my chin!!

When I became a teenager, I tested their love more than anyone could imagine, and when I got myself in with the wrong crowd and in a lot of trouble, they still loved me! What was up with that? I couldn't understand why!

As approached my 20's I realized what a 'bitch' I was to my parents when I was a teen, and I even told my mother "I can't believe you still love me after what I put you through when I was a teenager' and she just smiled.

Finally, when I had my own baby I finally realized that I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than I did this tiny baby boy...except one night...I was living with my parents at that time, and I was up all night with a screaming, colicky baby...I hated him, I wanted to hit him, I wanted to shake him. To tell you the truth I don't know what stopped me. Finally, I quietly woke my mother up. I was crying, and I asked her to help me (my then husband never woke up). The baby quietened down eventually with my mother rocking him, and I told her that I "hated the baby. I made a decision and tomorrow I am going to the adoption agency and give him up for adoption, there are many people out there that would love a baby, and I hate him. I hate him and I don't want him anymore"!

My mother sat there, she didn't have a look of shock or pity or anger. She just nodded and said "I understand..I will drive you". I thought to myself 'that was easy' and I felt so much better. She put the baby down to sleep and I crawled into bed myself exhausted and relieved that there was a resolution to my 'problem'.

I woke up late in the morning. My baby didn't wake up! I panicked...I ran to his crib and he was sleeping like...a baby....The memories of the night before flooded back...I ran out to the kitchen where my mother was sitting, drinking her coffee. I panicked, I cried...'what is wrong with me, how could I have said those things, I love him more than air, I can't give him away, what kind of mother am I? What kind of person am I?"

My mother got up and hugged me..."I know Honey" she said "I know you love him, and I know you were just tired and frustrated, and I know you wouldn't give him away!"

I realized that my mother knew what I was going through, and in her wisdom, she just agreed with me instead of arguing, and she knew that when I woke up in the morning, I would have been devastated for even saying these things.

Again, she amazed me. She loved me through my bratty childhood, she loved me through my pukey teenager stage, she even loved me after I told her I hated my baby!

I have 2 amazing children now. My son is 27 and my daughter is 15. I would take a bullet for them. I would give them both my kidneys if they need them, I love them more than air, more than my own life, however both of them have given me challenges. They have both tested me, and I still love them. I will be there for them whether it is to attend court with them, or hold their hair when they are sick. Nothing in this world is more important than my children, and I get it now. I get it why my mom has been there through every stage of my life, even the ugly stages and still loves me with all her being, UNCONDITIONALLY. I also get it why, even though he was a dangerous gangster, Al Capone's mother still loved him.

April 25, 2010

I was a bit hesitant to blog about this subject, but I'm going to throw it out there. I've already talked about religion, and I know nothing about politics, but euthanasia is my subject today!

Euthanasia comes from the Greek meaning 'good death' or 'practice of ending life in a painless manner'....this subject just didn't pop in my head, I watched a movie last night about Dr. Kevorkian called "You Don't Know Jack" and, no, I didn't have a clue about Jack.

He was a bit of a funny man, almost like an absent minded professor. He wasn't an evil man, the kind of man the press made him out to be. He was very empathic and caring who never solicited patients, he was sought and actually turned down 90 to 95% of the people. Dr. Kevorkian assisted over 130 people end their lives. Each of the patients were terminal. He interviewed each patient and taped each interview.

During one of the patients death, the camera's panned off to the pictures of the man the patient used to be. He was a pilot, in the air force, all his army pictures were arranged on a mantel showing a strong, viral man who had control of his destiny and now he is a shrivelled up old man dying of lung cancer. I understood at that moment why it was so important that for a dignified demise for such a proud man...and that he was allowed to make a choice.

So many arguments about euthanasia. When my beloved dog Phantom started to have seizures, and was discovered she had a brain tumour, I couldn't watch her suffer any longer. When the vet administered the needle, she was dead within 5 seconds. She looked like she was sleeping, and she was no longer in pain. When we went to pay the vet, she declined saying "it was an act of mercy". So what about a best friend or a loved one who have Lou Gehrig's disease, cancer or Parkinson's disease where they know they are not going to get any better.

Dr. Kevorkian didn't actually kill the patients. He was once a pathologist, and with an Erector set he purchased at a garage sale, set up a system with 3 different drugs, (something to relax, something to put you to sleep, and something to make the heart stop) he would hook up the patient with the IV, however the patient was in control on whether or not to set the drip to start. This is how he got away with 130 assisted deaths, because he didn't actually kill the patient.

During the movie, he was asked why he started a career of mercy killings, and he said that his mother had cancer when he was a young boy, and he had to watch her die a long and painful death. She told him to "imagine the worst toothache in your life....not imagine your entire body feeling that same pain, and nothing makes it go away". Wow...that really blew me away, to be in that much pain, knowing there is nothing medically can be done for you...you just have to wait and die.

I have to say that if or when I get old and diseased and I am suffering a long and painful illness, that there is a Dr. Kevorkian out there that will help me. Let me die with some dignity like my dog Phantom did.

April 22, 2010

I watched Idol Gives Back last night. I ended up changing the channel because it was depressing me and I never did find you who was sent home....but today I thought about it a lot. There were so many children in Ethiopia and other cities in Africa and other third world countries, that have seen more pain that I could ever imagine. They lost their parents, some have HIV, some are starving, some of the young girls ran away because they were forced to marry sometimes as young as 5 years old or female circumcision...and you know what stuck in my mind? What all these children had in common? They were SMILING! They were smiling, enjoying the life - has horrid as it was - as if it was a gift!

I am as guilty as the rest of the miserable people in the world, that seems to have everything, but not happy enough. That our house isn't big enough, we have a lot of bills, our car is older, I can't find a decent hairdresser, I have to do laundry, I have to clean the house, I have to clean my car, I have to go to work! In our lifestyle, it seems like a burden to have to do laundry, but when I think of these people that have to take their rags down to the river and hammer them with rocks; throwing a load in the washer and walking away isn't so bad!

I don't want to sound like - 'eat your dinner, there are starving kids in Africa' I don't want it to be that trivial. I am going deeper than that.

Ever notice people with Cancer have the most positive attitude than most? Why is that? Because they know they could die tomorrow, that they are very sick, and they are suddenly appreciating the life they used to bitch and complain about. Same thing with these precious kids in Africa, they were smiling. They weren't going to McDonalds for dinner, in fact they may not be having dinner, but for the once sweet moment they were enjoying it. Is it because their life is so full of hate and fear and death, that through survival, they have taught themselves to enjoy the simple, and perhaps short happy moment because it could be their last!

I speak to people everyday who are angry about mistakes, or angry about their invoice for a luxury item. I feel like telling them, this is just an invoice...I didn't steal your kidney, pummel your village, rape your sister. It isn't life or death.

I'm not trying to make the readers feel guilty, and I'm not asking you to donate to a charity, I am asking you to look at the big picture. I'm asking to use these sweet children as an example, to enjoy life for that moment. To love, laugh, and enjoy your life to the fullest, enjoy the moment like it was your last. I guess that is what the person was thinking that said "Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching" It isn't exactly literal, it is saying enjoy your life, enjoy the simple things, do what makes you happy, and who gives a shit....

Now, my mission is done....now I have to Google and see who was cut on American Idol last night.

April 21, 2010

My son used to think I looked like Elizabeth Taylor! When he was a toddler, he used to show me a magazine with Liz on the cover and point and say "mommy!". There she was in all her beauty with her violet eyes, and that sweet baby of mine thought I looked like her! Bless him!

I know kids say the funniest things, and so much so Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby made millions just asking cute or homely kids simple questions. Things like "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt and then he wears it every day" or "Love is when my mom sees my daddy all sweaty and smelly and still says he's still handsomer than Robert Redford" or "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas and you stop opening presents and listen!"

Kids are so perceptive! They figure stuff out, even though they don't know the words to describe it, they still get it...."love is what makes you smile when you are tired!". The expression 'out of the mouths of babes' is so true. 'Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn't think it's gross'. My favourite is 'When my Grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend down and paint her toenails, so my Grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands has arthritis too! That's love".

The truest comment he ever made was when he was about 5 or 6. We lived in Toronto, and every morning I'd drive him to his daycare centre. It was out of my way but I wanted to get him in a daycare that I liked and was close to my parents if he needed them. He would sit in his little car seat and talk away about his day. He would talk nonstop from the moment I picked him up until he would ask to go to bed at 7 pm. I used to be able to turn it off and think about something else, or my mind might wander over something that happened at work that day...but I would turn my attention back to him and he would still be talking...I would say hmm hmmm or really. He was very observant, and noticed people on the street and in cars beside us while driving.

One day we went to White Rose, and he was sitting in the buggy, again talking. Every time I went up an aisle, there was an East Indian man with a gorgeous shade of purple turban in my way. I would go up another aisle to get around him and when I came up another aisle he was there again. He was in my way the entire shopping trip, even when I went to pay, he butt in line. I was at my wits end when I got in the car. I was backing out of the parking spot, and the same man with the Purple turban was backing up too and stopped in the middle of the parking lot. Finally I said "Oh my God, what is with this guy, he is in my way all the time" and my son peeps up and says "I know, I was going to say to him, get out of our way Mr. Taxi driver!" I said why would you call him a taxi driver? He said "He has a taxi driver's hat on!" This sweet boy was looking in all the taxis in our travels and to him, the turban was part of the uniform for a taxi driver!!!

I laughed for hours, I still giggle about it.

My favourite was every Christmas holiday between Boxing Day and New Years, my son and I would drive to Buffalo and stay for a few days in the Hilton, and swim and shop. I suppose it was the Christmas season which confused him because one year, he was around 7 or 8 while driving over the Burlington Skyway, and through Hamilton, he said "This is a horrible place for Jesus to be born!" I asked him what he meant. He said that "if Jesus was born here, why don't they clean it up". I said that this is HAMILTON, Jesus was born in Bethlehem! 'Ohhhh, that's good, but all these years, I thought this is where Jesus was born!!!"

I'm not saying I am as beautiful as Liz, but in my child's eyes I was as beautiful as a movie star!

April 19, 2010

I often wonder, what happens when you die. When you stop breathing, are you just no more? or does your soul move to Heaven...or Hell? Is there such a thing as a soul? Is there such a thing as Heaven and is there such a thing as Hell?



It is terrifying to think that when you stop breathing, and you have no more brain activity that this is the end. Nothing, you don't exist anymore - anywhere. This could be why people believe in religion and God and everlasting life. Intelligently I am struggling with the idea, emotionally I believe. I think that most religious people have that small doubt in the back of their mind and that is OK.



I started going to church a few years ago, and the minister (Terry) was in his 40's, and was very easy to talk to. I told him that I was struggling sometimes with doubt, and I know we are supposed to have faith which should eliminate the doubt, and I felt guilty.



I had a friend that had 5 kids, and her husband was killed in a car accident. About 5 or 6 years later, she met a man who actually embraced the fact she had 5 kids and that is an amazing feat to find someone, especially to find someone that is OK with 5 kids. Well about 2 years later she died of cancer! Terry knew my friend and the circumstances, and I told him that this is an example of why I doubt sometimes. He told me that maybe God brought the boyfriend into the picture, to look after the 5 kids...maybe, I said, but I didn't like it...



Terry told me that everyone doubts, and it is OK to doubt, and sometimes, yes, he doubts. So then I started enjoying going to Church, because I could go and sing and pray and not feel guilty that I had a hard time buying everything.



I'd like to think that reincarnation is real. I wonder if you come back numerous times until you get it right. When you finally get it right, you get to go to heaven. Could be why there are really 'good' people and really 'evil' people. I think this because some people are 'old souls' even at a very young age, as if they have been here before. They have intuition and perception that usually comes from experience.



I also would like to believe that the soul can visit the living in their dreams. I mentioned before that I believe my grandfather visits me in dreams and we just talk, it isn't drama or imaginary. When he says he has to go I don't panic, I have peace and I wake up in the morning very serene and content. My mother tells me all the time when she dies, that she will visit me nightly so we can talk as we are very close and I believe it is possible.



I don't know if there is Hell, and it terrifies me. I couldn't sleep in my own room for 2 weeks after seeing the Exorcist and I want to believe that instead of Hell you are sent back out to do it again and again before you get it right...maybe as a bat, or a beaver or a rat...and move upwards to a human before you deserve to go to Heaven.



Either way I look at it, I refuse to believe that when you die, that this is the end of you and your soul. I believe that everything that you experienced and loved and who loved you would all have been a waste of time and the God I love and believe in wouldn't do that.

April 13, 2010

One question that I find very thought provoking is 'if you could spend a day with 5 people alive or dead, who would they be?'

Alive

1. Oprah
I love Oprah. She is smart, she seems very real, and she knows so many people and has been so many places that picking her brain would be exciting. First I would ask her if she is gay, and if her BFF Gayle is really her lovaaaa! Stedman usually is only around for fancy dressed balls, and you never see him any other time. You never see her travelling with him, but her and Gayle to road trips and travel to Paris last summer. Not that I care, but I just want to know. Secondly I would ask her why she only opened a school for girls in Africa...don't the boys need education too! I'd probably ask her for a loan, and hang out with her and Gayle, because I think she is really funny.

2. Stephanie Meyer
I love Stephanie...because of course she thought up Edward Cullen all by herself. I would like to pick her brain and get some help with my query letter for a literary agent...actually maybe she can hook me up with a literary agent.

3. My Son
He is so busy with making a life for his new family and I never get to see him and spend quality one on one time together. It sounds very needy and sad, but we were so close when he was growing up, while I was a single mother, and now he is an adult with his own son and works long hours, and I miss him.

4. Seth McFarland
Because he is my idol. He can do anything, sing, dance, write, make me laugh and nothing is sexier than than someone that can make you laugh...giggity giggity!

5. Sarah Richardson
I want her to come and be my bff and decorate my house for free. Her and Tommy!

Dead

1. Audrey Hepburn

She is the epitome of class and beauty. I need some lessons. I saw her interviewed years ago, and she didn't say a one bad thing about any of her co-stars. To her everyone was a charming, lovely person. I want to learn how to do that. She wouldn't say shit if her mouth was full of it!

2. My Grandpa

He died with I was 8 and I miss him to this day. I swear he visits me in my dreams, and we talk and then he says he has to go, we hug - I don't panic, I'm not sad. I wake up so serene. I want to talk to him awake and learn about him and what it was like growing up in his era.

3. Jesus

Because I want to know the truth, and who would be the one person that has to tell the truth...Jesus. I want to know what the hell happened, why, and what is going to happen and if there is any truth to the 2012 rumour! I want to chat about heaven, and if there is one. Sooo many questions, maybe one evening isn't long enough!

4. Walt Disney

I want to pick his brain, and find out where he gets these amazing ideas and how he can dream so big and create something as amazing as Disneyland or Disney World. I am hoping his genius rubs off on me...and while I'm at it I want to get the truth on whether or not he was the bigot he was made out to be. I can't believe a man with such vision and created the happiest place on earth would be one! I need to know!!

5. Marilyn Munroe

I need to know what happened. I am nosy and I need to know if she actually overdosed or if she was murdered. I also read that she was very smart, and she was very funny and I would love to chat, maybe do makeovers, do our nails, and just have a girls night!

After you read this blog, think about it...who would be the people you would like to spend an evening with....hmmmm

April 12, 2010

Every time the lottery is over 5 million, I find it necessary to buy a lottery ticket. I usually avoid buying them for 3 reasons;
1. if it is under 5 million it isn't enough - I could spend that on a weekend.
2. I get too excited when I have a ticket and I get let down, in fact shattered when I don't win anything.
3. It is a waste of money cause I know I am not going to win.

It is true, I get so excited when I get a ticket, I actually try not to look at the numbers because I feel I will jinx myself, or if I put it in a particular pocket in my wallet, it will be bad luck, or the store I purchase it from. For some reason I feel it necessary to purchase it from a store where there was already a huge winning. Not sure why I think that way, because lightening doesn't strike twice...but with all the voodoo, and omens and good luck/bad luck and obsessive compulsive disorder tactics, I still haven't won.

I usually lay in bed at night and make plans with my winnings, and what I would do first (this again could be hexing it), I wonder if I should go buy my dad a new Cadillac and drive it to my parents house and surprise him. Should I just go to a travel agent and book a trip for the entire family to rally in Bahamas and make plans. I know that I would give a lot of the winnings away to family and friends. Perhaps buy Sarah's Country House here in Creemore. I decided I would give my house I have now to someone that is in need. Take my mother to Europe. Take my daughter and her friends to Disney World...no maybe Disney in Europe. Not sure if I want Hummer or a sports car. I am torn on whether to buy a house in Arizona, or a house in Muskoka...maybe I'll buy both.

It is amazing how much time you spend - spending your winnings, that you haven't actually won- but now that you planned it- you know you jinxed it- so why bother, but it is fun kind of thing!

I do know 2 things are for sure

1. that I will look after my friends and family
2. I am throwing away my alarm clock (for that much money I can afford to hire the Sham Wow Guy to wake me up in the morning (You are gunna love my nuts!)