April 19, 2010

I often wonder, what happens when you die. When you stop breathing, are you just no more? or does your soul move to Heaven...or Hell? Is there such a thing as a soul? Is there such a thing as Heaven and is there such a thing as Hell?



It is terrifying to think that when you stop breathing, and you have no more brain activity that this is the end. Nothing, you don't exist anymore - anywhere. This could be why people believe in religion and God and everlasting life. Intelligently I am struggling with the idea, emotionally I believe. I think that most religious people have that small doubt in the back of their mind and that is OK.



I started going to church a few years ago, and the minister (Terry) was in his 40's, and was very easy to talk to. I told him that I was struggling sometimes with doubt, and I know we are supposed to have faith which should eliminate the doubt, and I felt guilty.



I had a friend that had 5 kids, and her husband was killed in a car accident. About 5 or 6 years later, she met a man who actually embraced the fact she had 5 kids and that is an amazing feat to find someone, especially to find someone that is OK with 5 kids. Well about 2 years later she died of cancer! Terry knew my friend and the circumstances, and I told him that this is an example of why I doubt sometimes. He told me that maybe God brought the boyfriend into the picture, to look after the 5 kids...maybe, I said, but I didn't like it...



Terry told me that everyone doubts, and it is OK to doubt, and sometimes, yes, he doubts. So then I started enjoying going to Church, because I could go and sing and pray and not feel guilty that I had a hard time buying everything.



I'd like to think that reincarnation is real. I wonder if you come back numerous times until you get it right. When you finally get it right, you get to go to heaven. Could be why there are really 'good' people and really 'evil' people. I think this because some people are 'old souls' even at a very young age, as if they have been here before. They have intuition and perception that usually comes from experience.



I also would like to believe that the soul can visit the living in their dreams. I mentioned before that I believe my grandfather visits me in dreams and we just talk, it isn't drama or imaginary. When he says he has to go I don't panic, I have peace and I wake up in the morning very serene and content. My mother tells me all the time when she dies, that she will visit me nightly so we can talk as we are very close and I believe it is possible.



I don't know if there is Hell, and it terrifies me. I couldn't sleep in my own room for 2 weeks after seeing the Exorcist and I want to believe that instead of Hell you are sent back out to do it again and again before you get it right...maybe as a bat, or a beaver or a rat...and move upwards to a human before you deserve to go to Heaven.



Either way I look at it, I refuse to believe that when you die, that this is the end of you and your soul. I believe that everything that you experienced and loved and who loved you would all have been a waste of time and the God I love and believe in wouldn't do that.