Saturday, April 10, 2010

April 10, 2010

Part 2 - Cuba

Day after the junk exposure, I was so sun burned, that I had to lay in the shade all day. BFF , having a darker complexion than me was able to toast herself darker. I can't put into words how relaxed I was. I didn't have to do anything. I read 3 books, I had at least 50 naps. I had a massage on the beach (not very enjoyable with the grinding of sand with oil all over my shoulder blades, but it was exfoliating!) It was comfortable enough that we didn't have to talk, we just read, slept, drank, smoked, peed in the ocean, took pics of Speedos. Except for the peeing in the ocean we did everything in a horizontal position.

The weather was perfect, the breeze was just right, the only time we got up (except to pee) was to go eat. I had a perfect lounger that was under a palm umbrella, by the wedding chapel on the beach. It was decorated in white gauzy curtains, blowing in the wind...very romantic, very beautiful. I assumed my position, watching, a little verklempt at the beauty and elegance of the wedding when SUDDENLY a man in his 90's, with a black Speedo, stood in front of me blocking my view.

There was an entire beach to stand, and he couldn't have missed me laying there...but he stood about 10 inches away from my face. His skin on his ass looked like it was wax and it melted and hung down in ripples like elephant skin. I looked at my BFF in astonishment, couldn't believe that someone would be that rude and stand in front on me, and also couldn't believe any one's ass was that ugly. I puked a little in my mouth. We tried to muffle our laughter in fear of interrupting the wedding. I took a picture of this old mans ass, but it didn't do it justice.

The other amazing thing about Cuba is that, as a smoker, you are not treated like you have leprosy! You can smoke in public, without being shunned or getting dirty looks, or stoned to death. It was an ongoing joke of the week to say 'because I can'. Example, I'm going to have a smoke right her in the lobby, you know why? Because I can. One dinner we went for Cuban food, and to our astonishment there was an ashtray on the table! Remember the days when you could have a smoke in between entrees? We didn't however, because there were people around us that didn't smoke, but after dinner, while enjoying our coffee, we had a know why? because we could!

After dinner we would have a few drinks, but we were exhausted for any night life...BFF probably because she set the alarm for first thing in the morning, and me for the interrupted sleep with the snoring and swearing.

Last day there, we had to find out Jorge's real name, and had to get a picture because no one would believe 'our Latin luvvva' was so hot! sure enough, he can along the beach, and nervy BFF called him over, he was expecting us to buy cigars, but was happy to get a picture taken with us (and BFF's boil). He name was RUBEN...

After packing and heading off to the airport it was sad, but I was so relaxed, so rested, I would definitely suggest to go to Cuba to relax. Cuba is a poor country, and although we drove by the homes where you could see the poverty, people were very happy. It wasn't until I went to the bathroom in the airport did I realize how poor they were. After using the facilities, and washed my hands, there was a woman sitting there handing out 1 tiny sheet of toilet paper to try your hands, for a peso!

We got home very late, and unfortunately there was 2 feet of snow on my car. That is the worst part of coming home. Good thing was I could get home and sleep in my own bed, without the trucker talk serenade while I slept.

Friday, April 9, 2010

April 9, 2010

Last year, I went to Varadaro Beach Cuba with my BFF. It was the best holiday. Well not as eventful as Disney World with my daughter, but it was the best relaxing vacation I ever had.

Not much to do in Cuba. There are day trips, but we weren't interested in doing anything but relaxing on the beach. First few days, it was a bit chilly, but I didn't notice. The ocean was rough, so we hung out by the pool. I was the only person in the pool (which wasn't heated) but I am used to Georgian Bay, I think I could handle it. Problem with going into a swimming pool slowly it isn't too bad when you are first walking in. The legs seem to be able to handle it...then you approach the crotch area and it is a shock to your system. As I waddled into the water, finally crotch emerged, I find myself walking around with my arms in the air! As if getting the arms are harder than the genitalia...but everyone does it. Finally fully emerged, I dunked under the water. My breath was completely taken away...I almost died in Cuba!

It was the first day there that I laid eyes on Ruben. I elbowed my BFF, and jerked my head towards him...omg he was our Ricky Ricardo life guard! We didn't know his name, so we called him Jorge (pronounced Horhez). We sat at the bar for awhile, brilliantly equipped with our dark sunglasses so we could aim our face one way, but watch him with our eyes! Oooo lala

Now everyone knows how much I love my BFF, however living with someone is very different. When we checked into our hotel room, what was supposed to be 2 double beds, was one enormous king sized bed. "Ohhh my God" I exclaimed "you were not joking about wanting to spoon with me". She offered to go and get the room changed, claimed that she had no idea!! (tic) but the bed was huge...I will just have to sleep with one eye open.

Turns out the bed was so huge, that when I tried to kick her at night to get her to stop snoring, I couldn't reach her! I also made a mental note to purchase a pair of socks to stuff in her mouth at night because she talked more sleeping than she did all day! It wasn't actually talking, it was a sequence of curse words that would make a sailor blush!

Then BFF set the alarm for 6:30, apparently it is a ritual that she made up for other trips so she can put towels on the choice seats by the pool. Turns out it wasn't necessary at this resort because there were enough seats for everyone. She would turn the coffee on, and talk to me then chain smoke on the balcony and read.

We had choice seats by the pool, we could ogle Jorge, and also parked near the men's washroom to watch all the middle aged men materialize wearing speedo's. Sidebar: I am astonished that Speedo actually manufacturers these swim suits. Do they actually make them in the 2000's or are they holding on to them from their youth, when they should be wearing them.

This is when I began my Speedo journal. You can view it on my Facebook page. When we were on the beach, if someone was approaching from behind, BFF would warn me to get my camera ready. There was so many of these speedo wearers that I just walked around with my camera on my side arms length and clicked away. Devastating.

BFF whispered to me 'don't turn around now, do it nonchalantly...but check out the guy in the pink shorts'. My head swung around without thinking 'way to go with the nonchalance' BFF laughed....and there, in front of me...the guy in the pink God is my witness...(and believe me I would have rather poked my eyes out with a fork)...had his junk hanging out of the leg of his shorts. It wasn't intentional, he was there with his wife and kids, but looked as if the shorts either shrunk or he grew out of them. We took a picture, it is in the speedo was a must have!

The ocean calmed down the 2ND or 3rd day, and it was beautiful. Turquoise water, white sand, calm. We laid by the beach and read. We would read until we fell asleep. Then we would wake up, have another drink and smoke, and swim. Sometimes BFF and I would stand waist deep and by looking at each other's faces we knew the other was having a tinkle in the ocean.

One day, while standing in the ocean with a funny look on our faces, we saw Jorge walking along the beach, it was slow motion, like Bay Watch. Suddenly I started to thrash around in the water screaming "help, help...I'm drowning" He didn't hear me...."HELP, HELP, I'M DROWNING" he still didn't hear me, and we watched him walk away! What kind of life guard is that!

Later on that day, Jorge came over and talked to us. We were both blushing like school girls as he was talking to us - in his broken English - we smiled, and nodded...and when he left I asked BFF what he was talking about? She said she wasn't sure but sounded like he was talking about his penis! He was saying 'tick ones' and 'yong ones' and 'big ones' 'yittle' ones. I think he was talking about cigars!

We were so relaxed, and I was so exhausted with waking up in the middle of the night for the habitual cursing and potty mouth of my BFF, we slept on the beach in between meals. One very hot and sunny day while I was in and out of consciousness, BFF woke up and rearranged her lounge chair. "Ummm' she said and I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was pointing at my crotch, her finger making a huge circle in the air 'ummm, your junk is hanging out!". I looked down and sure enough, the elastic in my old bathing suit was loose and low and behold, my junk was hanging out. I swiftly pulled the leg of my bathing suit down and covered my exposed labia! "Oh my God, I wonder how long that was hanging out' We laughed about it for a good hour SIDEBAR: It must have been hanging our for a good hour because it was so sunburned I could hardly walk for a few days.

Moral of this half of the story...make sure your junk is covered....

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

April 7, 2010

Yesterday was a lesson of it is AWK-WARD! As much as it was difficult to explain irony, it is simple for awkward...however there are a few different definitions...

1. Lacking dexterity or skill, showing lack of expertise, lacking grace. We all know those kinds of people, that are uncoordinated, tripping over their own feet, can't walk or chew bubble gum. Kinda useless, lacked skill...come to think of it, my first husband! His picture was in the description in Google!

2. Lack of social grace and assurance, causing embarrassment, uncomfortable situation! We have all experienced those AWK-WARD moments. Embarrassing moments. Moments where you would like to crawl in a hole and avoid the awkwardness. Ever forwarded an email to someone in error? Ever get caught talking about someone and they are standing behind you? or awkward silence?

I am going to get on a gas story, and as much as I find them funny, I don't want my readers to think that all I do is pass gas and laugh...I am in my 50's and should grow up...but I had a very awkward moment a few years ago. I really, really had to toot! I went into the lunch room that was behind my work station so I wouldn't embarrass myself or offend anyone. I ran in, didn't see anyone and let one rip that would have made Peter Griffin proud...then I hear some rustling...I looked around the corner and there was a co-worker eating her lunch! She didn't let on what I just did, she looked up and smiled at me and then continued to eat her lunch and read her book! Didn't she hear that? Is she hard of hearing? Was she being classy and ignoring what I did? Didn't she appreciate that fart! It was a beaut! My face was red...I ran out and got back to work. It was never discussed, she never let on she heard it!

Years ago, before the recession, when everyone took hour lunches, had long coffee breaks, maybe did a total of an hours work a day, I spent most of my day pulling pranks on one my friends. She used to do things like leave her gym bag in the washroom on Mondays because she went bowling after work. I filled it up with tampons and pads, a hold puncher, toilet paper, anything I could get my hands on. (In those days the employer used to provide the sanitary needs for their employee's). I went on with my day and completely forgot I did that. The next morning she was venting to some other co-workers that 'someone filled her bag up with a pile of stuff, and when she got to the bowling alley and opened her bag, all the sanitary supplied fell out of her bag' and she was really pisst! AWK-WARD! It was supposed to be a joke, and I was hoping she would have noticed how heavy it was...and actually my plan was to catch her at the door and accuse her of stealing the hole punch!!! I later went to her and admitted what I did, and we laughed.

The same woman for some reason was always my target because she had a good sense of humour, and she didn't feel picked on. One day she mentioned to me that her and her husband were just "simple people", they lived up north and lived a quiet simple life. I wrote on a sticky note "I'M JUST A SIMPLE PERSON' and nonchalantly put it on her back. Again I forgot I did it. I went back to work, and suddenly I noticed that she was walking into the President of the company's office with a tray of coffee! It was at that moment that I remembered her telling me that all the 'big wigs' from U.S. were coming to the office! I jumped up from my desk and ran to try to get the sticky off her back before she went in to serve coffee...I missed her....I stood in the hall red faced...panicking....then from the President's office I hear a roar of laughter!

My friend retreated from the office. Her face was purple from embarrassment. OMG if that wasn't the most awkward moment of 'her' life!? She wasn't mad at me by the way, we laughed about it for years~

Moral of the story, if you are going to pull pranks on someone, they will always blow up in your face, and put you in an AWK-WARD position!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

April 6, 2010

Irony! Definition: Say one thing, but mean something else. I-RUN-EE. I Googled for 20 minutes to find a easy, correct definition of irony...clear as as pleasant as a root canal...To me this sounds like sarcasm!

When I went to grade school, we read a story that was the epitome of irony. The Gift of the Magi. Was about a woman with beautiful hair. Her husband loved her hair, in fact, he loved it so much that he sold his watch to buy her combs for her hair. Meanwhile the wife sold her hair for a chain for his watch....I-RUN-EE.

So when Alanis Morissette sings about irony, it is all wrong:.

1. "Like having 10 thousand spoons, and all you need is a knife". It isn't fact I'm thinking just use the side of the spoon, it will cut just like a knife!

2. "meeting the man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife" how is that ironic. It would be irony if his beautiful wife looked exactly like you did BEFORE you have the plastic surgery! Now that is irony! I-RUN-EE

3. "It's a free ride, when you already paid" nope..that is just really bad timing and it would be prudent to ask for your money back! Come to think of it, if you already paid, it isn't free!

4. "Mr. Play it Safe was afraid to fly, he packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye, he waited his whole damn life to take that flight, and as the plane crashed down, he thought 'well isn't this nice'". Ok, this could be an example of irony, but lets analyze what Mr. Play it Safe said when the plane was crashing....'well isn't this nice' (or this is a fine mess you got us into now Olly), Mr. Play it Safe would be screaming, and cursing, why the f$%^ did I take this was I thinking...something like that, but not 'well isn't this nice!' Another question that pops into my inquiring mind is WHY did he wait all his life to take this flight? Where was he going that he put off all these years in anticipation and didn't take his kids with him? Instead of irony, it could be fate!

5. "It's like rain, on your wedding day" that would suck, but unfortunately isn't irony.

I am not sure why I chose to write about irony, except for the fact I love to say it...I-RUN-EE...usually when it doesn't fit, as sometimes I get as confused as Alanis. So is irony sarcasm, fate or just really, really bad luck!

I sent text messages to a few friends on April Fools Day telling them that I was pregnant! It is a joke because I am in my 50's...wouldn't it be ironic if I was? or just really, really bad luck?

Monday, April 5, 2010

April 5, 2010

Everybody is saying that T word again. I don't even want to type his freakin' name because I am so sick of it. I am so sick of the publicity that cheaters get. Jessie James, Tiger Woods (Oops I said it out loud) and Jude Law, Huge Grant, David Duchovny...they are all cheaters. They all were cheating on their wives. They are all featured on entertainment shows, and on every channel I turn to. Even the highest paid publicist couldn't get that much press for them.

I was cheated on by my first husband. I have no pity for these men. What were they thinking? Ok, the thrill of it all, but do you have to sleep with 15 of them. I am just as disgusted with the women who have come forward admitting to have slept with "T" than "T" himself! If I slept with a celebrity, and found out that I was one of many, especially if I thought our 'affair' was special...that last thing I would do would come out and say "Hey, I was sloppy 10ths".

Remember way back when Eddy Murphy was caught picking up a hooker, and turned out to be a man in drag. He was caught in his car with his pants down with a transvestite, and it wasn't for his/her 'verbal' oral skills. Do you think that if you were that rich, and you had a hankering for another woman, that you wouldn't have to pay for it? There are fans out there that would 'do' a celebrity for free! Not to mention in your car! Why not get a hotel, or even rent a Winnebago!

When Hugh Grant got caught with Divine Brown, who was a hooker, he didn't bother getting a hotel, they were caught doing the nasty in his car. The police were notified because the brake lights on his car were going on and off alerting passing police to investigate. Kinda like a Morris Code for "intense or paroxysmal excitement" (Google that BFF).

When you look at the wives who these 'celebrities' cheated on, what could possibly be going through the cheater's minds. Their wives are stunning, loving, talented women who could have anyone in the world. These women are going to take 1/2 of all your earnings since you were married....was a 'quicky' in your car worth millions or billions of dollars? Then, like David Duchovny, Tiger Woods (oops said it again) and Jess James, they were caught red handed, and because they can't deny what they did, they claim it is sex addiction!

I am sympathetic to addictions. Seeing someone that is addicted to heroin or coke, or an alcoholic it heart wrenching. I pray for them and their rehabilitation...but seriously. What did they call it years ago when Clark Gable or Spencer Tracey was caught fooling around on their wives..they had to buck up and face the music. Now there is a disease for being deceitful! You can justify ruining the lives of your loved ones by saying you are addicted to sex. I don't know a man who isn't addicted to sex, it is just something called integrity that stops them from doing it.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

April 4, 2010

The weather this weekend was amazing. I booked vacation days around the holiday weekend thinking that I would spend the time stripping wallpaper or painting or redecorating a room. I wasn't planning to be financially strapped, so unfortunately nothing was done. I had no energy to do anything. Nothing. Notta. Zip...I checked Facebook, worked on my Blog, watched tv, (which by the way sucked) so I didn't get dressed all weekend, didn't go anywhere, talked to BFF for 10 or 15 minutes and napped!

With it being so nice outside, I could have got some sun. I could have gardened (rather have a colonoscopy). I could have decluttered or cleaned the blinds, or swiffered the ceiling for cobwebs. There were a lot of thing I could have done that were free but I didn't...I couldn't...I didn't wanna!

What is it about having money in your pocket, or money in the bank that makes life so euphoric? Everything seems better, even if you aren't planning on spending it or doing anything with it, it is just nice to know it is there. Then I was thinking to myself, what else in my life gives me that same euphoria? 'Medically recognized as a mental/emotional state defined as a sense of great (usually exaggerated) elation and well being' and I thought of a lot of here is my list:

1. Readers that have kids will understand this one. At bedtime when you lock the doors, and crawl into bed and know that your kids are home, safe, tucked into their beds. That is a feeling you don't get very often when they get older or teenagers. I remember on the nights when my son was home on a Saturday night, usually because he was hung over, but that's ok...he was home, in bed safe and sound! Or if there is a storm outside and everyone is home!

2. On Friday night, when you crawl into bed (why are all my euphoric elations all start going to bed?) and you turn your alarm clock know you don't have to get up early in the morning...oooohhh heaven.

3. Sometimes the euphoric feelings are usually just something in the back of your mind, reminding you something good is happening or happened. (The opposite of the over impending doom) like you know when you get off the phone, you have a fresh cup of Tim Horton's coffee waiting for you!

4. In the pit of winter, you book a vacation to go somewhere hot!

5. When you know someone loves you! Even if it is a new relationship or you are married for 20 years. When you think of your 'special' someone the euphoria kicks in.

6. Laughing! OMG sometimes you get that deep, belly laugh when you almost can't breathe. Could have a lot to do with the chemistry of the brain, and the releasing of endorphins and increasing the oxygen in your brain. Laughing also helps your body fight infection, and laughing 100 times equals 15 minutes on a tread mill!

7. Disney World. If you can get over the fact that your feet are killing you, being in Disney World give you euphoria. Doesn't matter if you are 2 or 102, you get that excited, delightful, wanna skip and hold hands and sing Zippity Do Da feeling.

8. Bouclairs...ok, ok, that is probably just me...

9. Sitting by an ocean. Hearing the waves, the turquoise water, the white sand. Wasaga Beach will do it too.

10. Getting positive feedback, whether it is from a loved one, or from a co-worker or your immediate supervisor. Nothing encourages you to work harder than to get positive feedback. Like training a dog. If you yell or scold it every time it does something wrong, it will continue to do it, but if you praise the dog or reward him when he does someting right, he will continue with the positive behaviour. Nudge nudge, wink wink!