April 9, 2010

Last year, I went to Varadaro Beach Cuba with my BFF. It was the best holiday. Well not as eventful as Disney World with my daughter, but it was the best relaxing vacation I ever had.

Not much to do in Cuba. There are day trips, but we weren't interested in doing anything but relaxing on the beach. First few days, it was a bit chilly, but I didn't notice. The ocean was rough, so we hung out by the pool. I was the only person in the pool (which wasn't heated) but I am used to Georgian Bay, I think I could handle it. Problem with going into a swimming pool slowly it isn't too bad when you are first walking in. The legs seem to be able to handle it...then you approach the crotch area and it is a shock to your system. As I waddled into the water, finally crotch emerged, I find myself walking around with my arms in the air! As if getting the arms are harder than the genitalia...but everyone does it. Finally fully emerged, I dunked under the water. My breath was completely taken away...I almost died in Cuba!

It was the first day there that I laid eyes on Ruben. I elbowed my BFF, and jerked my head towards him...omg he was our Ricky Ricardo life guard! We didn't know his name, so we called him Jorge (pronounced Horhez). We sat at the bar for awhile, brilliantly equipped with our dark sunglasses so we could aim our face one way, but watch him with our eyes! Oooo lala

Now everyone knows how much I love my BFF, however living with someone is very different. When we checked into our hotel room, what was supposed to be 2 double beds, was one enormous king sized bed. "Ohhh my God" I exclaimed "you were not joking about wanting to spoon with me". She offered to go and get the room changed, claimed that she had no idea!! (tic) but the bed was huge...I will just have to sleep with one eye open.

Turns out the bed was so huge, that when I tried to kick her at night to get her to stop snoring, I couldn't reach her! I also made a mental note to purchase a pair of socks to stuff in her mouth at night because she talked more sleeping than she did all day! It wasn't actually talking, it was a sequence of curse words that would make a sailor blush!

Then BFF set the alarm for 6:30, apparently it is a ritual that she made up for other trips so she can put towels on the choice seats by the pool. Turns out it wasn't necessary at this resort because there were enough seats for everyone. She would turn the coffee on, and talk to me then chain smoke on the balcony and read.

We had choice seats by the pool, we could ogle Jorge, and also parked near the men's washroom to watch all the middle aged men materialize wearing speedo's. Sidebar: I am astonished that Speedo actually manufacturers these swim suits. Do they actually make them in the 2000's or are they holding on to them from their youth, when they should be wearing them.

This is when I began my Speedo journal. You can view it on my Facebook page. When we were on the beach, if someone was approaching from behind, BFF would warn me to get my camera ready. There was so many of these speedo wearers that I just walked around with my camera on my side arms length and clicked away. Devastating.

BFF whispered to me 'don't turn around now, do it nonchalantly...but check out the guy in the pink shorts'. My head swung around without thinking 'way to go with the nonchalance' BFF laughed....and there, in front of me...the guy in the pink shorts....as God is my witness...(and believe me I would have rather poked my eyes out with a fork)...had his junk hanging out of the leg of his shorts. It wasn't intentional, he was there with his wife and kids, but looked as if the shorts either shrunk or he grew out of them. We took a picture, it is in the speedo journal...it was a must have!

The ocean calmed down the 2ND or 3rd day, and it was beautiful. Turquoise water, white sand, calm. We laid by the beach and read. We would read until we fell asleep. Then we would wake up, have another drink and smoke, and swim. Sometimes BFF and I would stand waist deep and by looking at each other's faces we knew the other was having a tinkle in the ocean.

One day, while standing in the ocean with a funny look on our faces, we saw Jorge walking along the beach, it was slow motion, like Bay Watch. Suddenly I started to thrash around in the water screaming "help, help...I'm drowning" He didn't hear me...."HELP, HELP, I'M DROWNING" he still didn't hear me, and we watched him walk away! What kind of life guard is that!

Later on that day, Jorge came over and talked to us. We were both blushing like school girls as he was talking to us - in his broken English - we smiled, and nodded...and when he left I asked BFF what he was talking about? She said she wasn't sure but sounded like he was talking about his penis! He was saying 'tick ones' and 'yong ones' and 'big ones' 'yittle' ones. I think he was talking about cigars!

We were so relaxed, and I was so exhausted with waking up in the middle of the night for the habitual cursing and potty mouth of my BFF, we slept on the beach in between meals. One very hot and sunny day while I was in and out of consciousness, BFF woke up and rearranged her lounge chair. "Ummm' she said and I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was pointing at my crotch, her finger making a huge circle in the air 'ummm, your junk is hanging out!". I looked down and sure enough, the elastic in my old bathing suit was loose and low and behold, my junk was hanging out. I swiftly pulled the leg of my bathing suit down and covered my exposed labia! "Oh my God, I wonder how long that was hanging out' We laughed about it for a good hour SIDEBAR: It must have been hanging our for a good hour because it was so sunburned I could hardly walk for a few days.

Moral of this half of the story...make sure your junk is covered....