Saturday, April 3, 2010

April 3rd, 2010

I probably talk about television commercials too much, and chances are I am probably the only person out there that watches them. I actually love commercials..mega love them (tic). I don't necessarily remember what they are advertising, but I find them truly entertaining. If I was in my 20's and looking for a career, I would have pursued advertising.

There are many vintage commercials that would probably be in the Commercial Hall of Fame if there was Plop Plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relieve it is....or....I can't believe I ate the whole thing! who would forget "where's the beef?"....most of the best commercials have some kind of sexual entendres.

There are other annoying commercials about women's sanitary stuff that give the viewer the idea that if they use their brand of tampon they will be able to dance or swim or twirl...climb if their tampon has some magical power that if you use them you will have athletic ability you never had before! Like secret tampon steroid! I know that most viewers are not that gullible, but I think we would be surprised.

There are also educational commercials about heart and strokes and warning signs against Alzheimers. What annoys me more than anything when they are promoting something totally non live threatening as if it is some horrible disease eg: yeast infections or sensitive teeth.

Every time I see that yeast infection commercial with that mid thirties woman sitting there whining as if she has some horrible crippling disease "I have a yeast infection!" Grow up, you must have had 10 already in this life time...most people don't even know they have them! You don't even have to go to the Doctor's anymore to get don't have herpes or cancer, it is an infection of yeast!

Then you get the teeth sensitivity commercial with a nostril shot of a dentist standing in his office with all the official dental instruments, telling the viewers that you may just one day be drinking something hot and cold and get a shot of pain in your teeth! They go on and on about how drastic having sensitive teeth is...OMG people chew it on the other side! Put an ice cube in your coffee...there are people in Africa starving, and you are whining about a sharp pain in your teeth and it isn't a cavity. Or there are commercials for the teeth sensitivity with a woman in her apartment and the entire shot is made on one of her eyes only, and you can see what a horrible job she did with her eyeliner!

I think that commercials are an art. You want to get their attention, you want the viewers to laugh and take notice, but at the same time you want them to remember the product. Infomercials on the other hand perplex me. Why are they spending so much money to lie to us. Why are they so long, who actually watches them. I know we are forced to watch the other commercials because they interrupt the show we are watching, we don't have a choice, but there are infomercials that are 1/2 hour to an hour. Who actually watches them? Someone with one channel? Someone that lost their remote? Someone actually interested in putting everything that is in your green bin into the special juicer and you end up with a smoothy that tastes like blueberries?

There must be some drama in these, because the Sham Wow guy "am I going to fast for ya camera man" was arrested for punching a hooker in the face 3 times because she would let go of his tongue when they were kissing! I guess that is why he says in the Slap Chop commercials "You are gunna love my nuts"

Friday, April 2, 2010

April 2, 2010

I used to cry a lot, very easily. Movies, TV shows, even commercials....remember that Lipton's Chicken Soup and the mom asks the little boy about his hockey game and he says "I really like hockey!" amongst yourselves...I'm verklempt! ok.....I'm ok now.

Since I've been on antidepressants, (I am not embarrassed to say) I am better, I don't cry at the drop of a dime...I don't cry through a commercial, or sob uncontrollably watching an infomercial about the starving kids in Africa, checking my bank book to see if I could afford to adopt a child for as little as a cup a coffee per day. I still cry at some movies, but it is during normal times for normal people to cry! Last movie I saw at the theatre where I cried was New Moon. I knew Edward was leaving Bella...I read the book 3 times...I knew what was going to happen, and I still felt the broken heart that Bella was experiencing...I had the Kleenex in my hand, because I was expecting that heart wrenching moment when all of a sudden, my BFF looks over and says to me "ARE YOU CRYING?" "NO" "you are so!"

The worse cry I had watching a movie was The Notebook. I didn't just have tears welling up in my eyes, I was sobbing, I was loudly sobbing, I couldn't even hear what they were saying because I was crying so loud. My husband comes into the room..."ARE YOU CRYING?"..."No actually I'm having a seizure, call 911".

When that movie was over, I still sobbed, I think I was convulsing..I was bawling. My husband comes into the room again, 'ARE YOU STILL CRYING?".

Next morning I was talking to my mother on the phone, I told her whatever you do, DON'T WATCH THE NOTEBOOK...then she asked me what it was about...I started telling her the story and started crying again! "She what...?" my mother asked "I can't understand what you said...are you crying?"

I seem to be able to handle commercials lately, but today I saw that ad for the low sodium rice tell you the truth I have no idea what they were advertising, except for Michael Bolton crooning "how am I supposed to live without you" and the poor salt shaker [sob] is kicked out of the house, and is walking in the rain all alone, and then sitting on the fire escape watching his family...bowing his head and the salt is flowing out like...sniff....tears!

Movies with animals always make me cry. Littlest Hobo...every week I would blubber. Old Yeller...omg don't get me started on that one.....Animal stories always yank at my heart strings.

I could watch a violent movie (if I had to) and see someone blown to bits, stabbings, shootings, arson, dismemberment, and I don't even flinch (well it makes me sick, but not weepy). These people are dying painful deaths, and it doesn't faze me a bit, but see someone with their heart broken, or sad or their feelings hurt and I am a snivelling mess!

This is the reason that I mostly only want to see comedies when I go to the show. I have cried laughing hard during Goldmember, but not sad tears. I have choked on a Malteser laughing when I saw the melted....I was ok.

I think that is why I am happy just to watch HGTV. There are no car races, no murders, no drama (except maybe A-hole Mike Holmes) and I don't have to cry.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April 1st, 2010

Being April 1st, I was reflecting on jokes and some jokes I played on friends, and jokes that friends played on me. I am not a fan of practical jokes, and I can never keep a straight face when I am trying to pull a joke off. I even texted 3 friends today to tell them I was pregnant, and they didn't fall for it....My BFF told me that my tubes are 'petrified' in forest! The others just replied "ya, sure biatch!"

I have some favourite jokes, however they aren't blog material...and as I mentioned before immature things make me laugh harder than any sophisticated humour. Farts, people tripping, anything that makes someone look like a fool, which is sad. Once a friend of mine put charcoal on the eye piece of binoculars..then gave it to another 'friend' and told him to check out something in the field. Of course when the person took the binoculars off their eyes there was a black ring around their eyes and they had no idea and it was hilarious! The victim kept looking at us laughing "what? there isn't anything out there...what?" (I'm chuckling now as I am typing this). Why does it have to be something humiliating for someone else to make it funny? It could be physically humiliating or even mentally humiliating eg: blonde jokes!

Sticking post it notes to some one's back is always a giggle, especially if they say 'kick me' or 'I am a simple person'. I took a picture of the crack of my hand between my thumb and finger, close up with my cell phone and sent it to my friend...she to this day swears it is my butt! (try it).

I farted in my cubicle at work, and called my BFF over "what" she said "com'mer, I have to show you something" and I waved her over...she pops over, puts her head in my cubicle and BAM...."awww biatch....." Pffffhahaha I laughed for about an hour. Sometimes I would just fart in my cubicle and then aim my fan over to waft over to her area...she would be working away, and I'd watch the change of her expression...then she would look at me laughing at her "awwww man, you are sick" she'd scream, but I know it was as funny to her as it was to me! Happy days!

Once while in the lunch room at work, I helped myself to some free timbits left in the kitchen. I took a powdered donut, but before I ate it I dusted the white powder on my nose! I went out the the reception...(forgot to mention I was fairly new with the company and didn't know the receptionist very well)...and I said "Hey Barb...who brought the donuts?" Looking serious, straight faced..holding the timbit box up. She looked up at me. She could see the white power all over my nose. At first she looked confused, the wheels were turning. She wasn't sure if I was snorting coke in the lunch room or I'm a very messy eater...but she didn't flinch..then she said "I don't know!" and looked back to her computer screen. I burst out laughing...she didn't know what to think...I explained what I did, and we giggled about that almost everyday. I asked her later when we knew each other better, why she didn't tell me about the power on my nose...she said she didn't know what to say!

Like the person with toilet paper hanging out the back of their pants. Are you the kind of person that would tell someone or let them wander around a restaurant, strutting like they are hot sh$%, with cottonelle flapping in the wind? ('cuse the pun) I tell people..but usually after I laugh at them for 5 minutes or so, then I feel bad and tell them...ewwa...that is really gross.

So to me April Fools it a waste of time, I can humiliate someone easily, gross them out, even shock them, laugh at them tripping, but to make something up, and keep a straight face and then claim "April Fools!" to me is difficult.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

March 31, 2010

Things I love

1. I love the word 'bliss'. It is a beautiful word, sounds nice and it means "blithesomeness; gladness; the highest degree of happiness; exhalted felicity, heavenly joy". Very rarely do we ever get to be 'blissful'. Some people do things every day that bring them bliss. Writing this blog brings me bliss. If I could write full time and call myself a writer...that would be my bliss!

2. I love it when I turn my pillow over at night and it is cool! (Family Guy, Peter says to Lois..I want the cooool side of my pillow and when he turns it over it's Barry White saying "Hey Peter welcome to the cooool side of the pillow....right ownn , right ownn, right ownn") [if you don't know who Barry White it]

3. I love turning my alarm off on Friday night! nuff said 'bout that!

4. I love Twilight, Robert Pattinson, Oprah, Ellen, Don Johnson, Ella Fitzgerald, Judy Garland, 50Cent (omg he is so hot), Sarah Richardson, HGTV, Colin and Justin, Victor Newman, Mike Myers, BARBRA

5. I love my parents, my husband, my son, my daughter, my grandson, my daughter's friends, my friends new and long time (didn't want to say old...just because....) I don't want to mention their names because I am afraid to miss someone and I would never want to hurt anyones know who you are, and you know I love you..(yes Kim you will be an entire separate blog)

6. That is all...I find this blog dippy...who cares what I love?

Monday, March 29, 2010

March 29, 2010

I never really know what I am going to blog about until I start. Today I am going to give all of my readers a list of what I hate, then tomorrow, I will give you a list of things I like or love...maybe, if I can thing of more than 2 things!

I Hate - by Lauren Harrington

1. I absolutely hate the song Flintstone, I can make your Bed Rock...the start...Gak Gak Gak Gak...Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock! I can't believe that Lil' Wayne hasn't got a massive law suit against him from Hanna Barbara for this one. Kids are the ones that find this song so amusing, and they are singing the lyrics, not having a clue what it means...I mean wtf! Google the words, they are disgusting! I don't even want to quote any on my blog, it will just make it 'dirty' pfffhahaha

2. I hate Miley Cyrus. She is 17, and acts like she is 30. She is a precocious, bucked toothed, over acting prema-donna, who thinks she is experienced enough to give American Idols advice on how to sing.

3. I hate violence in movies. I prefer HG TV where there is no car races, fighting, racial slurs, blood or guts. It there is a show where they are stressed or arguing about renovations, I change the channel. I hate seeing people arguing, that is probably why I don't like Survivor or other reality shows. I just feel like I should jump in there and try to defend the underdog.

4. I hate Mike Holmes. As per #3, I find him annoying, and condesending. Big man insulting other trades handy work. Granted some of the work is a mess, but he finds fault in everything. "aa, we'll have to rip this down...oh my God, what were they thinking, they can't put up insulation without waterproofing, they can't have live wires hanging out like this"...He is a male version of Miley, precocious, buck toothed, over acting prema-donald.

5. I hate rude people. There is no reason why people cannot use manners. We are all sharing the same world, and it would be a better place to be if we all treated each other with a little respect. Please, thank you, excuse me, sweet nibbletts get off the road!

6. I hate the word moist.

7. I hate body odour. How hard is it to shower/bathe, use soap, deordorant (I can spell it can't say it) and wash your clothes. I walk by some people, and it is whooosh...a breeze of they not smell themselves, doesn't their loved ones notice? Wouldn't it be prudent to say "Hey Jack, you really smell...or even pick Jack up some soap and deordorant and leave it on his dresser...or spray fabreeze every time he comes in a room, he'll get the hint!"

8. I hate the winter when it is dark out. If I lived in Nunavut I would move. They have 4 hours of sunlight in the winter! However they do have 20 hours per day in the the summer it is a balmy -15 to 15 degrees.... I also hate, that in the winter when you open your car door, and it doesn't matter how well you cleaned your car off, a gust of snow blows in on your seat!

9. I hate liars. Some people just talk to hear themselves, and continue with lies because their life is so boring that they need to lie about it. Some people lie about things to cover their ass like "I finished my homework" but then there are some people that lie about absolutely nothing important like "I just got a new job and I'm making a kajillion dollars an hour" or "I just bought a red dress!" I don't care if this person bought a red dress, and not sure why they would lie about it. Then a few days later you would say "Let me see your red dress?" and they would say "I don't have a red dress....oh ya, I...washed it, ya, and then it shrunk so i took it back!" Why do people lie. I have no respect for liars.

10. Finally I hate...hating. I really don't like concentrating on things I hate, and actually it took me a while to figure out 10 things I actually hate. I think that only reason I blogged about hating things is because I really, really hate that Bed Rock song...and it got me on a rant...that and the buck toothed prima donna.