Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I work in a call center, and speak to an average of 50 to 60 people everyday. I speak to many very obnoxious and irate people, condescending people, some very stupid people, but sometimes I speak to some amazing, inspiring people.

I have spoken to numerous people that have cancer, and I am astonished by their courage and positive energy. I have so many stories to tell...but the story about Steve and his family and his dying mother has motivated me this Christmas.

Steve lived in Alberta. His family still lived in Nova Scotia, and his mother who was in her 90's was very sick. His brother Bobby called Steve in early November and told him that he was afraid his mother wasn't going to make it to Christmas, but she was determined to make it to Christmas, even though her weary body was starting to fail her.

Steve and Bobby came up with an idea. They decided that all the family in Nova Scotia would get together, pretend it was Christmas. The only constant in Mother's life, was that her sisters would visit her every Friday. Steve suggested to have the sisters visit more than once a week, this would confuse mother, and she would believe it was Christmas.

Unfortunately because it was still November, Steve couldn't get time off work to travel to Nova Scotia, so he was there in spirit! The rest of the family arrived in their Sunday best, carrying their gifts, cookies, cakes. The turkey was in the oven. The tree was decorated, the stockings hung. It was a pretend Christmas in November, perfectly choreographed.

After dinner when Bobby helped his mother to her room for a nap, she said to him "That was a wonderful Day Bobby, I know it isn't Christmas, but I appreciate the effort!

Later that night, Bobby called Steve to give him an update on how the day went. Bobby didn't want to let on to Steve that Mom knew it wasn't Christmas. Then he looked out the front window. "What is it Bobby?" Steve asked. He could hear his brother crying. His brother was "tougher than tar paper"...what would make him cry?

"Steve, you aren't going to believe this. I'm looking out into the street, and every single neighbour, everyone in this town has their Christmas lights on....everyone decorated for Christmas early because I told them our plan to have an early Christmas to trick mom, and the entire town has decorated to support us!

When Steve told me the story I had chills. This story made me realize that the world is a good place, that we hear a lot of the bad things going on everyday, but very rarely hear the good stories.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

April 27, 2010

When I was young, I remember my Grandmother telling me (I don't remember the conversation) that she was sure that Al Capone's mother loved him!

I couldn't imagine someone loving someone that killed people. In my immature mind, I couldn't comprehend that a mother or anyone for that matter, could love someone unconditionally....even if they were a murder or thief or a 'bad guy'.

As I grew up, I learned what it was to love someone for good and bad (not gangster bad) but someone who hurt your feelings, fight or argue with you and then make up and be friends again. These are lessons we learn when we are young with our friends. Having parents that loved me and were there for me also taught me a lesson of love and faith and comfort of knowing someone loved me, didn't matter if I was fat/skinny, ugly/beautiful, bratty/well behaved, they even loved me when I had zits on my chin!!

When I became a teenager, I tested their love more than anyone could imagine, and when I got myself in with the wrong crowd and in a lot of trouble, they still loved me! What was up with that? I couldn't understand why!

As approached my 20's I realized what a 'bitch' I was to my parents when I was a teen, and I even told my mother "I can't believe you still love me after what I put you through when I was a teenager' and she just smiled.

Finally, when I had my own baby I finally realized that I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than I did this tiny baby boy...except one night...I was living with my parents at that time, and I was up all night with a screaming, colicky baby...I hated him, I wanted to hit him, I wanted to shake him. To tell you the truth I don't know what stopped me. Finally, I quietly woke my mother up. I was crying, and I asked her to help me (my then husband never woke up). The baby quietened down eventually with my mother rocking him, and I told her that I "hated the baby. I made a decision and tomorrow I am going to the adoption agency and give him up for adoption, there are many people out there that would love a baby, and I hate him. I hate him and I don't want him anymore"!

My mother sat there, she didn't have a look of shock or pity or anger. She just nodded and said "I understand..I will drive you". I thought to myself 'that was easy' and I felt so much better. She put the baby down to sleep and I crawled into bed myself exhausted and relieved that there was a resolution to my 'problem'.

I woke up late in the morning. My baby didn't wake up! I panicked...I ran to his crib and he was sleeping like...a baby....The memories of the night before flooded back...I ran out to the kitchen where my mother was sitting, drinking her coffee. I panicked, I cried...'what is wrong with me, how could I have said those things, I love him more than air, I can't give him away, what kind of mother am I? What kind of person am I?"

My mother got up and hugged me..."I know Honey" she said "I know you love him, and I know you were just tired and frustrated, and I know you wouldn't give him away!"

I realized that my mother knew what I was going through, and in her wisdom, she just agreed with me instead of arguing, and she knew that when I woke up in the morning, I would have been devastated for even saying these things.

Again, she amazed me. She loved me through my bratty childhood, she loved me through my pukey teenager stage, she even loved me after I told her I hated my baby!

I have 2 amazing children now. My son is 27 and my daughter is 15. I would take a bullet for them. I would give them both my kidneys if they need them, I love them more than air, more than my own life, however both of them have given me challenges. They have both tested me, and I still love them. I will be there for them whether it is to attend court with them, or hold their hair when they are sick. Nothing in this world is more important than my children, and I get it now. I get it why my mom has been there through every stage of my life, even the ugly stages and still loves me with all her being, UNCONDITIONALLY. I also get it why, even though he was a dangerous gangster, Al Capone's mother still loved him.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

April 25, 2010

I was a bit hesitant to blog about this subject, but I'm going to throw it out there. I've already talked about religion, and I know nothing about politics, but euthanasia is my subject today!

Euthanasia comes from the Greek meaning 'good death' or 'practice of ending life in a painless manner'....this subject just didn't pop in my head, I watched a movie last night about Dr. Kevorkian called "You Don't Know Jack" and, no, I didn't have a clue about Jack.

He was a bit of a funny man, almost like an absent minded professor. He wasn't an evil man, the kind of man the press made him out to be. He was very empathic and caring who never solicited patients, he was sought and actually turned down 90 to 95% of the people. Dr. Kevorkian assisted over 130 people end their lives. Each of the patients were terminal. He interviewed each patient and taped each interview.

During one of the patients death, the camera's panned off to the pictures of the man the patient used to be. He was a pilot, in the air force, all his army pictures were arranged on a mantel showing a strong, viral man who had control of his destiny and now he is a shrivelled up old man dying of lung cancer. I understood at that moment why it was so important that for a dignified demise for such a proud man...and that he was allowed to make a choice.

So many arguments about euthanasia. When my beloved dog Phantom started to have seizures, and was discovered she had a brain tumour, I couldn't watch her suffer any longer. When the vet administered the needle, she was dead within 5 seconds. She looked like she was sleeping, and she was no longer in pain. When we went to pay the vet, she declined saying "it was an act of mercy". So what about a best friend or a loved one who have Lou Gehrig's disease, cancer or Parkinson's disease where they know they are not going to get any better.

Dr. Kevorkian didn't actually kill the patients. He was once a pathologist, and with an Erector set he purchased at a garage sale, set up a system with 3 different drugs, (something to relax, something to put you to sleep, and something to make the heart stop) he would hook up the patient with the IV, however the patient was in control on whether or not to set the drip to start. This is how he got away with 130 assisted deaths, because he didn't actually kill the patient.

During the movie, he was asked why he started a career of mercy killings, and he said that his mother had cancer when he was a young boy, and he had to watch her die a long and painful death. She told him to "imagine the worst toothache in your life....not imagine your entire body feeling that same pain, and nothing makes it go away". Wow...that really blew me away, to be in that much pain, knowing there is nothing medically can be done for just have to wait and die.

I have to say that if or when I get old and diseased and I am suffering a long and painful illness, that there is a Dr. Kevorkian out there that will help me. Let me die with some dignity like my dog Phantom did.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

April 22, 2010

I watched Idol Gives Back last night. I ended up changing the channel because it was depressing me and I never did find you who was sent home....but today I thought about it a lot. There were so many children in Ethiopia and other cities in Africa and other third world countries, that have seen more pain that I could ever imagine. They lost their parents, some have HIV, some are starving, some of the young girls ran away because they were forced to marry sometimes as young as 5 years old or female circumcision...and you know what stuck in my mind? What all these children had in common? They were SMILING! They were smiling, enjoying the life - has horrid as it was - as if it was a gift!

I am as guilty as the rest of the miserable people in the world, that seems to have everything, but not happy enough. That our house isn't big enough, we have a lot of bills, our car is older, I can't find a decent hairdresser, I have to do laundry, I have to clean the house, I have to clean my car, I have to go to work! In our lifestyle, it seems like a burden to have to do laundry, but when I think of these people that have to take their rags down to the river and hammer them with rocks; throwing a load in the washer and walking away isn't so bad!

I don't want to sound like - 'eat your dinner, there are starving kids in Africa' I don't want it to be that trivial. I am going deeper than that.

Ever notice people with Cancer have the most positive attitude than most? Why is that? Because they know they could die tomorrow, that they are very sick, and they are suddenly appreciating the life they used to bitch and complain about. Same thing with these precious kids in Africa, they were smiling. They weren't going to McDonalds for dinner, in fact they may not be having dinner, but for the once sweet moment they were enjoying it. Is it because their life is so full of hate and fear and death, that through survival, they have taught themselves to enjoy the simple, and perhaps short happy moment because it could be their last!

I speak to people everyday who are angry about mistakes, or angry about their invoice for a luxury item. I feel like telling them, this is just an invoice...I didn't steal your kidney, pummel your village, rape your sister. It isn't life or death.

I'm not trying to make the readers feel guilty, and I'm not asking you to donate to a charity, I am asking you to look at the big picture. I'm asking to use these sweet children as an example, to enjoy life for that moment. To love, laugh, and enjoy your life to the fullest, enjoy the moment like it was your last. I guess that is what the person was thinking that said "Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching" It isn't exactly literal, it is saying enjoy your life, enjoy the simple things, do what makes you happy, and who gives a shit....

Now, my mission is I have to Google and see who was cut on American Idol last night.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

April 21, 2010

My son used to think I looked like Elizabeth Taylor! When he was a toddler, he used to show me a magazine with Liz on the cover and point and say "mommy!". There she was in all her beauty with her violet eyes, and that sweet baby of mine thought I looked like her! Bless him!

I know kids say the funniest things, and so much so Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby made millions just asking cute or homely kids simple questions. Things like "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt and then he wears it every day" or "Love is when my mom sees my daddy all sweaty and smelly and still says he's still handsomer than Robert Redford" or "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas and you stop opening presents and listen!"

Kids are so perceptive! They figure stuff out, even though they don't know the words to describe it, they still get it...."love is what makes you smile when you are tired!". The expression 'out of the mouths of babes' is so true. 'Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn't think it's gross'. My favourite is 'When my Grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend down and paint her toenails, so my Grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands has arthritis too! That's love".

The truest comment he ever made was when he was about 5 or 6. We lived in Toronto, and every morning I'd drive him to his daycare centre. It was out of my way but I wanted to get him in a daycare that I liked and was close to my parents if he needed them. He would sit in his little car seat and talk away about his day. He would talk nonstop from the moment I picked him up until he would ask to go to bed at 7 pm. I used to be able to turn it off and think about something else, or my mind might wander over something that happened at work that day...but I would turn my attention back to him and he would still be talking...I would say hmm hmmm or really. He was very observant, and noticed people on the street and in cars beside us while driving.

One day we went to White Rose, and he was sitting in the buggy, again talking. Every time I went up an aisle, there was an East Indian man with a gorgeous shade of purple turban in my way. I would go up another aisle to get around him and when I came up another aisle he was there again. He was in my way the entire shopping trip, even when I went to pay, he butt in line. I was at my wits end when I got in the car. I was backing out of the parking spot, and the same man with the Purple turban was backing up too and stopped in the middle of the parking lot. Finally I said "Oh my God, what is with this guy, he is in my way all the time" and my son peeps up and says "I know, I was going to say to him, get out of our way Mr. Taxi driver!" I said why would you call him a taxi driver? He said "He has a taxi driver's hat on!" This sweet boy was looking in all the taxis in our travels and to him, the turban was part of the uniform for a taxi driver!!!

I laughed for hours, I still giggle about it.

My favourite was every Christmas holiday between Boxing Day and New Years, my son and I would drive to Buffalo and stay for a few days in the Hilton, and swim and shop. I suppose it was the Christmas season which confused him because one year, he was around 7 or 8 while driving over the Burlington Skyway, and through Hamilton, he said "This is a horrible place for Jesus to be born!" I asked him what he meant. He said that "if Jesus was born here, why don't they clean it up". I said that this is HAMILTON, Jesus was born in Bethlehem! 'Ohhhh, that's good, but all these years, I thought this is where Jesus was born!!!"

I'm not saying I am as beautiful as Liz, but in my child's eyes I was as beautiful as a movie star!

Monday, April 19, 2010

April 19, 2010

I often wonder, what happens when you die. When you stop breathing, are you just no more? or does your soul move to Heaven...or Hell? Is there such a thing as a soul? Is there such a thing as Heaven and is there such a thing as Hell?

It is terrifying to think that when you stop breathing, and you have no more brain activity that this is the end. Nothing, you don't exist anymore - anywhere. This could be why people believe in religion and God and everlasting life. Intelligently I am struggling with the idea, emotionally I believe. I think that most religious people have that small doubt in the back of their mind and that is OK.

I started going to church a few years ago, and the minister (Terry) was in his 40's, and was very easy to talk to. I told him that I was struggling sometimes with doubt, and I know we are supposed to have faith which should eliminate the doubt, and I felt guilty.

I had a friend that had 5 kids, and her husband was killed in a car accident. About 5 or 6 years later, she met a man who actually embraced the fact she had 5 kids and that is an amazing feat to find someone, especially to find someone that is OK with 5 kids. Well about 2 years later she died of cancer! Terry knew my friend and the circumstances, and I told him that this is an example of why I doubt sometimes. He told me that maybe God brought the boyfriend into the picture, to look after the 5 kids...maybe, I said, but I didn't like it...

Terry told me that everyone doubts, and it is OK to doubt, and sometimes, yes, he doubts. So then I started enjoying going to Church, because I could go and sing and pray and not feel guilty that I had a hard time buying everything.

I'd like to think that reincarnation is real. I wonder if you come back numerous times until you get it right. When you finally get it right, you get to go to heaven. Could be why there are really 'good' people and really 'evil' people. I think this because some people are 'old souls' even at a very young age, as if they have been here before. They have intuition and perception that usually comes from experience.

I also would like to believe that the soul can visit the living in their dreams. I mentioned before that I believe my grandfather visits me in dreams and we just talk, it isn't drama or imaginary. When he says he has to go I don't panic, I have peace and I wake up in the morning very serene and content. My mother tells me all the time when she dies, that she will visit me nightly so we can talk as we are very close and I believe it is possible.

I don't know if there is Hell, and it terrifies me. I couldn't sleep in my own room for 2 weeks after seeing the Exorcist and I want to believe that instead of Hell you are sent back out to do it again and again before you get it right...maybe as a bat, or a beaver or a rat...and move upwards to a human before you deserve to go to Heaven.

Either way I look at it, I refuse to believe that when you die, that this is the end of you and your soul. I believe that everything that you experienced and loved and who loved you would all have been a waste of time and the God I love and believe in wouldn't do that.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

April 13, 2010

One question that I find very thought provoking is 'if you could spend a day with 5 people alive or dead, who would they be?'

1. Oprah
I love Oprah. She is smart, she seems very real, and she knows so many people and has been so many places that picking her brain would be exciting. First I would ask her if she is gay, and if her BFF Gayle is really her lovaaaa! Stedman usually is only around for fancy dressed balls, and you never see him any other time. You never see her travelling with him, but her and Gayle to road trips and travel to Paris last summer. Not that I care, but I just want to know. Secondly I would ask her why she only opened a school for girls in Africa...don't the boys need education too! I'd probably ask her for a loan, and hang out with her and Gayle, because I think she is really funny.

2. Stephanie Meyer
I love Stephanie...because of course she thought up Edward Cullen all by herself. I would like to pick her brain and get some help with my query letter for a literary agent...actually maybe she can hook me up with a literary agent.

3. My Son
He is so busy with making a life for his new family and I never get to see him and spend quality one on one time together. It sounds very needy and sad, but we were so close when he was growing up, while I was a single mother, and now he is an adult with his own son and works long hours, and I miss him.

4. Seth McFarland
Because he is my idol. He can do anything, sing, dance, write, make me laugh and nothing is sexier than than someone that can make you laugh...giggity giggity!

5. Sarah Richardson
I want her to come and be my bff and decorate my house for free. Her and Tommy!

1. Audrey Hepburn
She is the epitome of class and beauty. I need some lessons. I saw her interviewed years ago, and she didn't say a one bad thing about any of her co-stars. To her everyone was a charming, lovely person. I want to learn how to do that. She wouldn't say shit if her mouth was full of it!
2. My Grandpa
He died with I was 8 and I miss him to this day. I swear he visits me in my dreams, and we talk and then he says he has to go, we hug - I don't panic, I'm not sad. I wake up so serene. I want to talk to him awake and learn about him and what it was like growing up in his era.
3. Jesus
Because I want to know the truth, and who would be the one person that has to tell the truth...Jesus. I want to know what the hell happened, why, and what is going to happen and if there is any truth to the 2012 rumour! I want to chat about heaven, and if there is one. Sooo many questions, maybe one evening isn't long enough!
4. Walt Disney
I want to pick his brain, and find out where he gets these amazing ideas and how he can dream so big and create something as amazing as Disneyland or Disney World. I am hoping his genius rubs off on me...and while I'm at it I want to get the truth on whether or not he was the bigot he was made out to be. I can't believe a man with such vision and created the happiest place on earth would be one! I need to know!!
5. Marilyn Munroe
I need to know what happened. I am nosy and I need to know if she actually overdosed or if she was murdered. I also read that she was very smart, and she was very funny and I would love to chat, maybe do makeovers, do our nails, and just have a girls night!
After you read this blog, think about it...who would be the people you would like to spend an evening with....hmmmm

Monday, April 12, 2010

April 12, 2010

Every time the lottery is over 5 million, I find it necessary to buy a lottery ticket. I usually avoid buying them for 3 reasons;
1. if it is under 5 million it isn't enough - I could spend that on a weekend.
2. I get too excited when I have a ticket and I get let down, in fact shattered when I don't win anything.
3. It is a waste of money cause I know I am not going to win.

It is true, I get so excited when I get a ticket, I actually try not to look at the numbers because I feel I will jinx myself, or if I put it in a particular pocket in my wallet, it will be bad luck, or the store I purchase it from. For some reason I feel it necessary to purchase it from a store where there was already a huge winning. Not sure why I think that way, because lightening doesn't strike twice...but with all the voodoo, and omens and good luck/bad luck and obsessive compulsive disorder tactics, I still haven't won.

I usually lay in bed at night and make plans with my winnings, and what I would do first (this again could be hexing it), I wonder if I should go buy my dad a new Cadillac and drive it to my parents house and surprise him. Should I just go to a travel agent and book a trip for the entire family to rally in Bahamas and make plans. I know that I would give a lot of the winnings away to family and friends. Perhaps buy Sarah's Country House here in Creemore. I decided I would give my house I have now to someone that is in need. Take my mother to Europe. Take my daughter and her friends to Disney maybe Disney in Europe. Not sure if I want Hummer or a sports car. I am torn on whether to buy a house in Arizona, or a house in Muskoka...maybe I'll buy both.

It is amazing how much time you spend - spending your winnings, that you haven't actually won- but now that you planned it- you know you jinxed it- so why bother, but it is fun kind of thing!

I do know 2 things are for sure

1. that I will look after my friends and family
2. I am throwing away my alarm clock (for that much money I can afford to hire the Sham Wow Guy to wake me up in the morning (You are gunna love my nuts!)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

April 11, 2010

The most valuable experience in a lifetime is friendship! There are many different kinds of friends; best friends, casual friends, work friends, party friends and childhood friends. You have some friends that you laugh with all the time, and you have other friends that are amazing listeners and full of wisdom. You also have friends that you like to party with, but they aren't interested in your problems or your feelings, they just want to have fun. Sometimes you have friends at work that could turn into a best friend, and there are others that you know if you ever left to work somewhere else, you would only hear from them for a few months and the friendship will fade away.

Then there are childhood friends, who know you all your life. They knew you when you had perky breasts, they knew you when you before you had breasts. These are the friends that understand you and understand the way you tick. Usually life carries on, and you don't have the time to keep in touch daily or weekly like you used to....sometimes the weeks turn into months that turn into years, and before you know it could be a decade or two before you actually talk again. Funny thing about these friends is you can call them up out of the blue and there is no time stood still. They sound the same, you just pick up where you left off and they still love you, they still thought of you all the time, they still talked about you to their 'new' friends about things you used to do. It amazes me every time this has happened and you wonder why you let time pass. Why didn't you make the time to call. Why didn't you make the time to visit.

I have had a few examples of this happening the past years. I had a friend, (I will call C ). C used to date my brother back in the 70's, they broke up and we continued to be friends. The last time I remember seeing her was when my daughter was christened as C is her Godmother. Our lives got busy. I bought a house, was working full time, not sure exactly what I was doing that kept me busy, but before you know it almost 10 years had passed. I had tried to call her a few times and left voicemails for her over the years, and eventually stopped calling thinking that there was a reason she wasn't calling me back.

One day I called, and she answered the phone. Her voice was familiar and the same. She was so happy to hear from me. She never received the messages due to her teenage son's deleting them, but within 5 minutes of talking we were back to the way we were a decade ago! We were laughing, and it was so easy to talk to her. These are the friends that understand you and were there during your divorce, you have a history that could never be replaced.

I have another friend that I have known since I was 4. We played Barbie's together, hide n seek, we went through puberty together and she was even there when I had my first kiss. The best thing ever is she married my cousin, which means our kids are cousins. We had dreams when we were young to buy a farm and have 100 dogs. We go months without talking to each other, and out of the blue she will call me or I will call her and it was like we saw each other the night before. Her daughter always knows she is talking to me on the phone because she is laughing abnormally louder than usual!

Over the years, friends come and go and you realize they weren't really friends, they were acquaintances. I had one friend who I found rolling on the floor naked with my husband! I had another friend that was actually living with my husband after he left me and 'living in an apartment with a friend from work'. This 'friend' was still going out with me to bars, listening to me vent, and was even by my side when he was moving his stuff out of the apartment. It wasn't announced that they were actually together until about 3 months after he left. I think because of this I have had a really hard time trusting and making new friends over the past 25 years and my 'old' friends have been the only friends I trusted.

I have another friend, I call her BFF. She isn't complicated. She understands me. I understand her and if she makes me angry, I tell her. If I make her angry she tells me. She doesn't get an attitude or snotty or give silent treatments. We both hate little mind games. If she offends me I tell her to f%*&off. I tell her to 'f$%* off, but in a nice way'...she says the same to me.

I have hooked up with old friends on Facebook, that I lost contact with after the 'divorce'. These were friends that I lost as part of the divorce settlement so to speak. Unfortunately one of my long lost friends died of cancer about a year after she found me on Facebook. I am glad we had the opportunity to talk again, clear the air so to speak, and straighten up some of the misunderstandings that surrounded the 'situation'. Soon after my friend died, I hooked up with her sister who was a good friend of mine back before the divorce, and she was part of the settlement too. We talk daily on Facebook as if the last 25 years never happened.

I am still a little apprehensive, but I have let my guard down after all these years and have made a few really good friends who I can trust, who are caring...friends for life! FFL Nothing will every replace my 'old' friends, but life is too short to not let myself have friends that I can trust. It is a relief that my 'new' husband has some integrity and I don't have to worry about him rolling naked on the floor with any of my new friends.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

April 10, 2010

Part 2 - Cuba

Day after the junk exposure, I was so sun burned, that I had to lay in the shade all day. BFF , having a darker complexion than me was able to toast herself darker. I can't put into words how relaxed I was. I didn't have to do anything. I read 3 books, I had at least 50 naps. I had a massage on the beach (not very enjoyable with the grinding of sand with oil all over my shoulder blades, but it was exfoliating!) It was comfortable enough that we didn't have to talk, we just read, slept, drank, smoked, peed in the ocean, took pics of Speedos. Except for the peeing in the ocean we did everything in a horizontal position.

The weather was perfect, the breeze was just right, the only time we got up (except to pee) was to go eat. I had a perfect lounger that was under a palm umbrella, by the wedding chapel on the beach. It was decorated in white gauzy curtains, blowing in the wind...very romantic, very beautiful. I assumed my position, watching, a little verklempt at the beauty and elegance of the wedding when SUDDENLY a man in his 90's, with a black Speedo, stood in front of me blocking my view.

There was an entire beach to stand, and he couldn't have missed me laying there...but he stood about 10 inches away from my face. His skin on his ass looked like it was wax and it melted and hung down in ripples like elephant skin. I looked at my BFF in astonishment, couldn't believe that someone would be that rude and stand in front on me, and also couldn't believe any one's ass was that ugly. I puked a little in my mouth. We tried to muffle our laughter in fear of interrupting the wedding. I took a picture of this old mans ass, but it didn't do it justice.

The other amazing thing about Cuba is that, as a smoker, you are not treated like you have leprosy! You can smoke in public, without being shunned or getting dirty looks, or stoned to death. It was an ongoing joke of the week to say 'because I can'. Example, I'm going to have a smoke right her in the lobby, you know why? Because I can. One dinner we went for Cuban food, and to our astonishment there was an ashtray on the table! Remember the days when you could have a smoke in between entrees? We didn't however, because there were people around us that didn't smoke, but after dinner, while enjoying our coffee, we had a know why? because we could!

After dinner we would have a few drinks, but we were exhausted for any night life...BFF probably because she set the alarm for first thing in the morning, and me for the interrupted sleep with the snoring and swearing.

Last day there, we had to find out Jorge's real name, and had to get a picture because no one would believe 'our Latin luvvva' was so hot! sure enough, he can along the beach, and nervy BFF called him over, he was expecting us to buy cigars, but was happy to get a picture taken with us (and BFF's boil). He name was RUBEN...

After packing and heading off to the airport it was sad, but I was so relaxed, so rested, I would definitely suggest to go to Cuba to relax. Cuba is a poor country, and although we drove by the homes where you could see the poverty, people were very happy. It wasn't until I went to the bathroom in the airport did I realize how poor they were. After using the facilities, and washed my hands, there was a woman sitting there handing out 1 tiny sheet of toilet paper to try your hands, for a peso!

We got home very late, and unfortunately there was 2 feet of snow on my car. That is the worst part of coming home. Good thing was I could get home and sleep in my own bed, without the trucker talk serenade while I slept.

Friday, April 9, 2010

April 9, 2010

Last year, I went to Varadaro Beach Cuba with my BFF. It was the best holiday. Well not as eventful as Disney World with my daughter, but it was the best relaxing vacation I ever had.

Not much to do in Cuba. There are day trips, but we weren't interested in doing anything but relaxing on the beach. First few days, it was a bit chilly, but I didn't notice. The ocean was rough, so we hung out by the pool. I was the only person in the pool (which wasn't heated) but I am used to Georgian Bay, I think I could handle it. Problem with going into a swimming pool slowly it isn't too bad when you are first walking in. The legs seem to be able to handle it...then you approach the crotch area and it is a shock to your system. As I waddled into the water, finally crotch emerged, I find myself walking around with my arms in the air! As if getting the arms are harder than the genitalia...but everyone does it. Finally fully emerged, I dunked under the water. My breath was completely taken away...I almost died in Cuba!

It was the first day there that I laid eyes on Ruben. I elbowed my BFF, and jerked my head towards him...omg he was our Ricky Ricardo life guard! We didn't know his name, so we called him Jorge (pronounced Horhez). We sat at the bar for awhile, brilliantly equipped with our dark sunglasses so we could aim our face one way, but watch him with our eyes! Oooo lala

Now everyone knows how much I love my BFF, however living with someone is very different. When we checked into our hotel room, what was supposed to be 2 double beds, was one enormous king sized bed. "Ohhh my God" I exclaimed "you were not joking about wanting to spoon with me". She offered to go and get the room changed, claimed that she had no idea!! (tic) but the bed was huge...I will just have to sleep with one eye open.

Turns out the bed was so huge, that when I tried to kick her at night to get her to stop snoring, I couldn't reach her! I also made a mental note to purchase a pair of socks to stuff in her mouth at night because she talked more sleeping than she did all day! It wasn't actually talking, it was a sequence of curse words that would make a sailor blush!

Then BFF set the alarm for 6:30, apparently it is a ritual that she made up for other trips so she can put towels on the choice seats by the pool. Turns out it wasn't necessary at this resort because there were enough seats for everyone. She would turn the coffee on, and talk to me then chain smoke on the balcony and read.

We had choice seats by the pool, we could ogle Jorge, and also parked near the men's washroom to watch all the middle aged men materialize wearing speedo's. Sidebar: I am astonished that Speedo actually manufacturers these swim suits. Do they actually make them in the 2000's or are they holding on to them from their youth, when they should be wearing them.

This is when I began my Speedo journal. You can view it on my Facebook page. When we were on the beach, if someone was approaching from behind, BFF would warn me to get my camera ready. There was so many of these speedo wearers that I just walked around with my camera on my side arms length and clicked away. Devastating.

BFF whispered to me 'don't turn around now, do it nonchalantly...but check out the guy in the pink shorts'. My head swung around without thinking 'way to go with the nonchalance' BFF laughed....and there, in front of me...the guy in the pink God is my witness...(and believe me I would have rather poked my eyes out with a fork)...had his junk hanging out of the leg of his shorts. It wasn't intentional, he was there with his wife and kids, but looked as if the shorts either shrunk or he grew out of them. We took a picture, it is in the speedo was a must have!

The ocean calmed down the 2ND or 3rd day, and it was beautiful. Turquoise water, white sand, calm. We laid by the beach and read. We would read until we fell asleep. Then we would wake up, have another drink and smoke, and swim. Sometimes BFF and I would stand waist deep and by looking at each other's faces we knew the other was having a tinkle in the ocean.

One day, while standing in the ocean with a funny look on our faces, we saw Jorge walking along the beach, it was slow motion, like Bay Watch. Suddenly I started to thrash around in the water screaming "help, help...I'm drowning" He didn't hear me...."HELP, HELP, I'M DROWNING" he still didn't hear me, and we watched him walk away! What kind of life guard is that!

Later on that day, Jorge came over and talked to us. We were both blushing like school girls as he was talking to us - in his broken English - we smiled, and nodded...and when he left I asked BFF what he was talking about? She said she wasn't sure but sounded like he was talking about his penis! He was saying 'tick ones' and 'yong ones' and 'big ones' 'yittle' ones. I think he was talking about cigars!

We were so relaxed, and I was so exhausted with waking up in the middle of the night for the habitual cursing and potty mouth of my BFF, we slept on the beach in between meals. One very hot and sunny day while I was in and out of consciousness, BFF woke up and rearranged her lounge chair. "Ummm' she said and I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was pointing at my crotch, her finger making a huge circle in the air 'ummm, your junk is hanging out!". I looked down and sure enough, the elastic in my old bathing suit was loose and low and behold, my junk was hanging out. I swiftly pulled the leg of my bathing suit down and covered my exposed labia! "Oh my God, I wonder how long that was hanging out' We laughed about it for a good hour SIDEBAR: It must have been hanging our for a good hour because it was so sunburned I could hardly walk for a few days.

Moral of this half of the story...make sure your junk is covered....

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

April 7, 2010

Yesterday was a lesson of it is AWK-WARD! As much as it was difficult to explain irony, it is simple for awkward...however there are a few different definitions...

1. Lacking dexterity or skill, showing lack of expertise, lacking grace. We all know those kinds of people, that are uncoordinated, tripping over their own feet, can't walk or chew bubble gum. Kinda useless, lacked skill...come to think of it, my first husband! His picture was in the description in Google!

2. Lack of social grace and assurance, causing embarrassment, uncomfortable situation! We have all experienced those AWK-WARD moments. Embarrassing moments. Moments where you would like to crawl in a hole and avoid the awkwardness. Ever forwarded an email to someone in error? Ever get caught talking about someone and they are standing behind you? or awkward silence?

I am going to get on a gas story, and as much as I find them funny, I don't want my readers to think that all I do is pass gas and laugh...I am in my 50's and should grow up...but I had a very awkward moment a few years ago. I really, really had to toot! I went into the lunch room that was behind my work station so I wouldn't embarrass myself or offend anyone. I ran in, didn't see anyone and let one rip that would have made Peter Griffin proud...then I hear some rustling...I looked around the corner and there was a co-worker eating her lunch! She didn't let on what I just did, she looked up and smiled at me and then continued to eat her lunch and read her book! Didn't she hear that? Is she hard of hearing? Was she being classy and ignoring what I did? Didn't she appreciate that fart! It was a beaut! My face was red...I ran out and got back to work. It was never discussed, she never let on she heard it!

Years ago, before the recession, when everyone took hour lunches, had long coffee breaks, maybe did a total of an hours work a day, I spent most of my day pulling pranks on one my friends. She used to do things like leave her gym bag in the washroom on Mondays because she went bowling after work. I filled it up with tampons and pads, a hold puncher, toilet paper, anything I could get my hands on. (In those days the employer used to provide the sanitary needs for their employee's). I went on with my day and completely forgot I did that. The next morning she was venting to some other co-workers that 'someone filled her bag up with a pile of stuff, and when she got to the bowling alley and opened her bag, all the sanitary supplied fell out of her bag' and she was really pisst! AWK-WARD! It was supposed to be a joke, and I was hoping she would have noticed how heavy it was...and actually my plan was to catch her at the door and accuse her of stealing the hole punch!!! I later went to her and admitted what I did, and we laughed.

The same woman for some reason was always my target because she had a good sense of humour, and she didn't feel picked on. One day she mentioned to me that her and her husband were just "simple people", they lived up north and lived a quiet simple life. I wrote on a sticky note "I'M JUST A SIMPLE PERSON' and nonchalantly put it on her back. Again I forgot I did it. I went back to work, and suddenly I noticed that she was walking into the President of the company's office with a tray of coffee! It was at that moment that I remembered her telling me that all the 'big wigs' from U.S. were coming to the office! I jumped up from my desk and ran to try to get the sticky off her back before she went in to serve coffee...I missed her....I stood in the hall red faced...panicking....then from the President's office I hear a roar of laughter!

My friend retreated from the office. Her face was purple from embarrassment. OMG if that wasn't the most awkward moment of 'her' life!? She wasn't mad at me by the way, we laughed about it for years~

Moral of the story, if you are going to pull pranks on someone, they will always blow up in your face, and put you in an AWK-WARD position!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

April 6, 2010

Irony! Definition: Say one thing, but mean something else. I-RUN-EE. I Googled for 20 minutes to find a easy, correct definition of irony...clear as as pleasant as a root canal...To me this sounds like sarcasm!

When I went to grade school, we read a story that was the epitome of irony. The Gift of the Magi. Was about a woman with beautiful hair. Her husband loved her hair, in fact, he loved it so much that he sold his watch to buy her combs for her hair. Meanwhile the wife sold her hair for a chain for his watch....I-RUN-EE.

So when Alanis Morissette sings about irony, it is all wrong:.

1. "Like having 10 thousand spoons, and all you need is a knife". It isn't fact I'm thinking just use the side of the spoon, it will cut just like a knife!

2. "meeting the man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife" how is that ironic. It would be irony if his beautiful wife looked exactly like you did BEFORE you have the plastic surgery! Now that is irony! I-RUN-EE

3. "It's a free ride, when you already paid" nope..that is just really bad timing and it would be prudent to ask for your money back! Come to think of it, if you already paid, it isn't free!

4. "Mr. Play it Safe was afraid to fly, he packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye, he waited his whole damn life to take that flight, and as the plane crashed down, he thought 'well isn't this nice'". Ok, this could be an example of irony, but lets analyze what Mr. Play it Safe said when the plane was crashing....'well isn't this nice' (or this is a fine mess you got us into now Olly), Mr. Play it Safe would be screaming, and cursing, why the f$%^ did I take this was I thinking...something like that, but not 'well isn't this nice!' Another question that pops into my inquiring mind is WHY did he wait all his life to take this flight? Where was he going that he put off all these years in anticipation and didn't take his kids with him? Instead of irony, it could be fate!

5. "It's like rain, on your wedding day" that would suck, but unfortunately isn't irony.

I am not sure why I chose to write about irony, except for the fact I love to say it...I-RUN-EE...usually when it doesn't fit, as sometimes I get as confused as Alanis. So is irony sarcasm, fate or just really, really bad luck!

I sent text messages to a few friends on April Fools Day telling them that I was pregnant! It is a joke because I am in my 50's...wouldn't it be ironic if I was? or just really, really bad luck?

Monday, April 5, 2010

April 5, 2010

Everybody is saying that T word again. I don't even want to type his freakin' name because I am so sick of it. I am so sick of the publicity that cheaters get. Jessie James, Tiger Woods (Oops I said it out loud) and Jude Law, Huge Grant, David Duchovny...they are all cheaters. They all were cheating on their wives. They are all featured on entertainment shows, and on every channel I turn to. Even the highest paid publicist couldn't get that much press for them.

I was cheated on by my first husband. I have no pity for these men. What were they thinking? Ok, the thrill of it all, but do you have to sleep with 15 of them. I am just as disgusted with the women who have come forward admitting to have slept with "T" than "T" himself! If I slept with a celebrity, and found out that I was one of many, especially if I thought our 'affair' was special...that last thing I would do would come out and say "Hey, I was sloppy 10ths".

Remember way back when Eddy Murphy was caught picking up a hooker, and turned out to be a man in drag. He was caught in his car with his pants down with a transvestite, and it wasn't for his/her 'verbal' oral skills. Do you think that if you were that rich, and you had a hankering for another woman, that you wouldn't have to pay for it? There are fans out there that would 'do' a celebrity for free! Not to mention in your car! Why not get a hotel, or even rent a Winnebago!

When Hugh Grant got caught with Divine Brown, who was a hooker, he didn't bother getting a hotel, they were caught doing the nasty in his car. The police were notified because the brake lights on his car were going on and off alerting passing police to investigate. Kinda like a Morris Code for "intense or paroxysmal excitement" (Google that BFF).

When you look at the wives who these 'celebrities' cheated on, what could possibly be going through the cheater's minds. Their wives are stunning, loving, talented women who could have anyone in the world. These women are going to take 1/2 of all your earnings since you were married....was a 'quicky' in your car worth millions or billions of dollars? Then, like David Duchovny, Tiger Woods (oops said it again) and Jess James, they were caught red handed, and because they can't deny what they did, they claim it is sex addiction!

I am sympathetic to addictions. Seeing someone that is addicted to heroin or coke, or an alcoholic it heart wrenching. I pray for them and their rehabilitation...but seriously. What did they call it years ago when Clark Gable or Spencer Tracey was caught fooling around on their wives..they had to buck up and face the music. Now there is a disease for being deceitful! You can justify ruining the lives of your loved ones by saying you are addicted to sex. I don't know a man who isn't addicted to sex, it is just something called integrity that stops them from doing it.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

April 4, 2010

The weather this weekend was amazing. I booked vacation days around the holiday weekend thinking that I would spend the time stripping wallpaper or painting or redecorating a room. I wasn't planning to be financially strapped, so unfortunately nothing was done. I had no energy to do anything. Nothing. Notta. Zip...I checked Facebook, worked on my Blog, watched tv, (which by the way sucked) so I didn't get dressed all weekend, didn't go anywhere, talked to BFF for 10 or 15 minutes and napped!

With it being so nice outside, I could have got some sun. I could have gardened (rather have a colonoscopy). I could have decluttered or cleaned the blinds, or swiffered the ceiling for cobwebs. There were a lot of thing I could have done that were free but I didn't...I couldn't...I didn't wanna!

What is it about having money in your pocket, or money in the bank that makes life so euphoric? Everything seems better, even if you aren't planning on spending it or doing anything with it, it is just nice to know it is there. Then I was thinking to myself, what else in my life gives me that same euphoria? 'Medically recognized as a mental/emotional state defined as a sense of great (usually exaggerated) elation and well being' and I thought of a lot of here is my list:

1. Readers that have kids will understand this one. At bedtime when you lock the doors, and crawl into bed and know that your kids are home, safe, tucked into their beds. That is a feeling you don't get very often when they get older or teenagers. I remember on the nights when my son was home on a Saturday night, usually because he was hung over, but that's ok...he was home, in bed safe and sound! Or if there is a storm outside and everyone is home!

2. On Friday night, when you crawl into bed (why are all my euphoric elations all start going to bed?) and you turn your alarm clock know you don't have to get up early in the morning...oooohhh heaven.

3. Sometimes the euphoric feelings are usually just something in the back of your mind, reminding you something good is happening or happened. (The opposite of the over impending doom) like you know when you get off the phone, you have a fresh cup of Tim Horton's coffee waiting for you!

4. In the pit of winter, you book a vacation to go somewhere hot!

5. When you know someone loves you! Even if it is a new relationship or you are married for 20 years. When you think of your 'special' someone the euphoria kicks in.

6. Laughing! OMG sometimes you get that deep, belly laugh when you almost can't breathe. Could have a lot to do with the chemistry of the brain, and the releasing of endorphins and increasing the oxygen in your brain. Laughing also helps your body fight infection, and laughing 100 times equals 15 minutes on a tread mill!

7. Disney World. If you can get over the fact that your feet are killing you, being in Disney World give you euphoria. Doesn't matter if you are 2 or 102, you get that excited, delightful, wanna skip and hold hands and sing Zippity Do Da feeling.

8. Bouclairs...ok, ok, that is probably just me...

9. Sitting by an ocean. Hearing the waves, the turquoise water, the white sand. Wasaga Beach will do it too.

10. Getting positive feedback, whether it is from a loved one, or from a co-worker or your immediate supervisor. Nothing encourages you to work harder than to get positive feedback. Like training a dog. If you yell or scold it every time it does something wrong, it will continue to do it, but if you praise the dog or reward him when he does someting right, he will continue with the positive behaviour. Nudge nudge, wink wink!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

April 3rd, 2010

I probably talk about television commercials too much, and chances are I am probably the only person out there that watches them. I actually love commercials..mega love them (tic). I don't necessarily remember what they are advertising, but I find them truly entertaining. If I was in my 20's and looking for a career, I would have pursued advertising.

There are many vintage commercials that would probably be in the Commercial Hall of Fame if there was Plop Plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relieve it is....or....I can't believe I ate the whole thing! who would forget "where's the beef?"....most of the best commercials have some kind of sexual entendres.

There are other annoying commercials about women's sanitary stuff that give the viewer the idea that if they use their brand of tampon they will be able to dance or swim or twirl...climb if their tampon has some magical power that if you use them you will have athletic ability you never had before! Like secret tampon steroid! I know that most viewers are not that gullible, but I think we would be surprised.

There are also educational commercials about heart and strokes and warning signs against Alzheimers. What annoys me more than anything when they are promoting something totally non live threatening as if it is some horrible disease eg: yeast infections or sensitive teeth.

Every time I see that yeast infection commercial with that mid thirties woman sitting there whining as if she has some horrible crippling disease "I have a yeast infection!" Grow up, you must have had 10 already in this life time...most people don't even know they have them! You don't even have to go to the Doctor's anymore to get don't have herpes or cancer, it is an infection of yeast!

Then you get the teeth sensitivity commercial with a nostril shot of a dentist standing in his office with all the official dental instruments, telling the viewers that you may just one day be drinking something hot and cold and get a shot of pain in your teeth! They go on and on about how drastic having sensitive teeth is...OMG people chew it on the other side! Put an ice cube in your coffee...there are people in Africa starving, and you are whining about a sharp pain in your teeth and it isn't a cavity. Or there are commercials for the teeth sensitivity with a woman in her apartment and the entire shot is made on one of her eyes only, and you can see what a horrible job she did with her eyeliner!

I think that commercials are an art. You want to get their attention, you want the viewers to laugh and take notice, but at the same time you want them to remember the product. Infomercials on the other hand perplex me. Why are they spending so much money to lie to us. Why are they so long, who actually watches them. I know we are forced to watch the other commercials because they interrupt the show we are watching, we don't have a choice, but there are infomercials that are 1/2 hour to an hour. Who actually watches them? Someone with one channel? Someone that lost their remote? Someone actually interested in putting everything that is in your green bin into the special juicer and you end up with a smoothy that tastes like blueberries?

There must be some drama in these, because the Sham Wow guy "am I going to fast for ya camera man" was arrested for punching a hooker in the face 3 times because she would let go of his tongue when they were kissing! I guess that is why he says in the Slap Chop commercials "You are gunna love my nuts"

Friday, April 2, 2010

April 2, 2010

I used to cry a lot, very easily. Movies, TV shows, even commercials....remember that Lipton's Chicken Soup and the mom asks the little boy about his hockey game and he says "I really like hockey!" amongst yourselves...I'm verklempt! ok.....I'm ok now.

Since I've been on antidepressants, (I am not embarrassed to say) I am better, I don't cry at the drop of a dime...I don't cry through a commercial, or sob uncontrollably watching an infomercial about the starving kids in Africa, checking my bank book to see if I could afford to adopt a child for as little as a cup a coffee per day. I still cry at some movies, but it is during normal times for normal people to cry! Last movie I saw at the theatre where I cried was New Moon. I knew Edward was leaving Bella...I read the book 3 times...I knew what was going to happen, and I still felt the broken heart that Bella was experiencing...I had the Kleenex in my hand, because I was expecting that heart wrenching moment when all of a sudden, my BFF looks over and says to me "ARE YOU CRYING?" "NO" "you are so!"

The worse cry I had watching a movie was The Notebook. I didn't just have tears welling up in my eyes, I was sobbing, I was loudly sobbing, I couldn't even hear what they were saying because I was crying so loud. My husband comes into the room..."ARE YOU CRYING?"..."No actually I'm having a seizure, call 911".

When that movie was over, I still sobbed, I think I was convulsing..I was bawling. My husband comes into the room again, 'ARE YOU STILL CRYING?".

Next morning I was talking to my mother on the phone, I told her whatever you do, DON'T WATCH THE NOTEBOOK...then she asked me what it was about...I started telling her the story and started crying again! "She what...?" my mother asked "I can't understand what you said...are you crying?"

I seem to be able to handle commercials lately, but today I saw that ad for the low sodium rice tell you the truth I have no idea what they were advertising, except for Michael Bolton crooning "how am I supposed to live without you" and the poor salt shaker [sob] is kicked out of the house, and is walking in the rain all alone, and then sitting on the fire escape watching his family...bowing his head and the salt is flowing out like...sniff....tears!

Movies with animals always make me cry. Littlest Hobo...every week I would blubber. Old Yeller...omg don't get me started on that one.....Animal stories always yank at my heart strings.

I could watch a violent movie (if I had to) and see someone blown to bits, stabbings, shootings, arson, dismemberment, and I don't even flinch (well it makes me sick, but not weepy). These people are dying painful deaths, and it doesn't faze me a bit, but see someone with their heart broken, or sad or their feelings hurt and I am a snivelling mess!

This is the reason that I mostly only want to see comedies when I go to the show. I have cried laughing hard during Goldmember, but not sad tears. I have choked on a Malteser laughing when I saw the melted....I was ok.

I think that is why I am happy just to watch HGTV. There are no car races, no murders, no drama (except maybe A-hole Mike Holmes) and I don't have to cry.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April 1st, 2010

Being April 1st, I was reflecting on jokes and some jokes I played on friends, and jokes that friends played on me. I am not a fan of practical jokes, and I can never keep a straight face when I am trying to pull a joke off. I even texted 3 friends today to tell them I was pregnant, and they didn't fall for it....My BFF told me that my tubes are 'petrified' in forest! The others just replied "ya, sure biatch!"

I have some favourite jokes, however they aren't blog material...and as I mentioned before immature things make me laugh harder than any sophisticated humour. Farts, people tripping, anything that makes someone look like a fool, which is sad. Once a friend of mine put charcoal on the eye piece of binoculars..then gave it to another 'friend' and told him to check out something in the field. Of course when the person took the binoculars off their eyes there was a black ring around their eyes and they had no idea and it was hilarious! The victim kept looking at us laughing "what? there isn't anything out there...what?" (I'm chuckling now as I am typing this). Why does it have to be something humiliating for someone else to make it funny? It could be physically humiliating or even mentally humiliating eg: blonde jokes!

Sticking post it notes to some one's back is always a giggle, especially if they say 'kick me' or 'I am a simple person'. I took a picture of the crack of my hand between my thumb and finger, close up with my cell phone and sent it to my friend...she to this day swears it is my butt! (try it).

I farted in my cubicle at work, and called my BFF over "what" she said "com'mer, I have to show you something" and I waved her over...she pops over, puts her head in my cubicle and BAM...."awww biatch....." Pffffhahaha I laughed for about an hour. Sometimes I would just fart in my cubicle and then aim my fan over to waft over to her area...she would be working away, and I'd watch the change of her expression...then she would look at me laughing at her "awwww man, you are sick" she'd scream, but I know it was as funny to her as it was to me! Happy days!

Once while in the lunch room at work, I helped myself to some free timbits left in the kitchen. I took a powdered donut, but before I ate it I dusted the white powder on my nose! I went out the the reception...(forgot to mention I was fairly new with the company and didn't know the receptionist very well)...and I said "Hey Barb...who brought the donuts?" Looking serious, straight faced..holding the timbit box up. She looked up at me. She could see the white power all over my nose. At first she looked confused, the wheels were turning. She wasn't sure if I was snorting coke in the lunch room or I'm a very messy eater...but she didn't flinch..then she said "I don't know!" and looked back to her computer screen. I burst out laughing...she didn't know what to think...I explained what I did, and we giggled about that almost everyday. I asked her later when we knew each other better, why she didn't tell me about the power on my nose...she said she didn't know what to say!

Like the person with toilet paper hanging out the back of their pants. Are you the kind of person that would tell someone or let them wander around a restaurant, strutting like they are hot sh$%, with cottonelle flapping in the wind? ('cuse the pun) I tell people..but usually after I laugh at them for 5 minutes or so, then I feel bad and tell them...ewwa...that is really gross.

So to me April Fools it a waste of time, I can humiliate someone easily, gross them out, even shock them, laugh at them tripping, but to make something up, and keep a straight face and then claim "April Fools!" to me is difficult.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

March 31, 2010

Things I love

1. I love the word 'bliss'. It is a beautiful word, sounds nice and it means "blithesomeness; gladness; the highest degree of happiness; exhalted felicity, heavenly joy". Very rarely do we ever get to be 'blissful'. Some people do things every day that bring them bliss. Writing this blog brings me bliss. If I could write full time and call myself a writer...that would be my bliss!

2. I love it when I turn my pillow over at night and it is cool! (Family Guy, Peter says to Lois..I want the cooool side of my pillow and when he turns it over it's Barry White saying "Hey Peter welcome to the cooool side of the pillow....right ownn , right ownn, right ownn") [if you don't know who Barry White it]

3. I love turning my alarm off on Friday night! nuff said 'bout that!

4. I love Twilight, Robert Pattinson, Oprah, Ellen, Don Johnson, Ella Fitzgerald, Judy Garland, 50Cent (omg he is so hot), Sarah Richardson, HGTV, Colin and Justin, Victor Newman, Mike Myers, BARBRA

5. I love my parents, my husband, my son, my daughter, my grandson, my daughter's friends, my friends new and long time (didn't want to say old...just because....) I don't want to mention their names because I am afraid to miss someone and I would never want to hurt anyones know who you are, and you know I love you..(yes Kim you will be an entire separate blog)

6. That is all...I find this blog dippy...who cares what I love?

Monday, March 29, 2010

March 29, 2010

I never really know what I am going to blog about until I start. Today I am going to give all of my readers a list of what I hate, then tomorrow, I will give you a list of things I like or love...maybe, if I can thing of more than 2 things!

I Hate - by Lauren Harrington

1. I absolutely hate the song Flintstone, I can make your Bed Rock...the start...Gak Gak Gak Gak...Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock! I can't believe that Lil' Wayne hasn't got a massive law suit against him from Hanna Barbara for this one. Kids are the ones that find this song so amusing, and they are singing the lyrics, not having a clue what it means...I mean wtf! Google the words, they are disgusting! I don't even want to quote any on my blog, it will just make it 'dirty' pfffhahaha

2. I hate Miley Cyrus. She is 17, and acts like she is 30. She is a precocious, bucked toothed, over acting prema-donna, who thinks she is experienced enough to give American Idols advice on how to sing.

3. I hate violence in movies. I prefer HG TV where there is no car races, fighting, racial slurs, blood or guts. It there is a show where they are stressed or arguing about renovations, I change the channel. I hate seeing people arguing, that is probably why I don't like Survivor or other reality shows. I just feel like I should jump in there and try to defend the underdog.

4. I hate Mike Holmes. As per #3, I find him annoying, and condesending. Big man insulting other trades handy work. Granted some of the work is a mess, but he finds fault in everything. "aa, we'll have to rip this down...oh my God, what were they thinking, they can't put up insulation without waterproofing, they can't have live wires hanging out like this"...He is a male version of Miley, precocious, buck toothed, over acting prema-donald.

5. I hate rude people. There is no reason why people cannot use manners. We are all sharing the same world, and it would be a better place to be if we all treated each other with a little respect. Please, thank you, excuse me, sweet nibbletts get off the road!

6. I hate the word moist.

7. I hate body odour. How hard is it to shower/bathe, use soap, deordorant (I can spell it can't say it) and wash your clothes. I walk by some people, and it is whooosh...a breeze of they not smell themselves, doesn't their loved ones notice? Wouldn't it be prudent to say "Hey Jack, you really smell...or even pick Jack up some soap and deordorant and leave it on his dresser...or spray fabreeze every time he comes in a room, he'll get the hint!"

8. I hate the winter when it is dark out. If I lived in Nunavut I would move. They have 4 hours of sunlight in the winter! However they do have 20 hours per day in the the summer it is a balmy -15 to 15 degrees.... I also hate, that in the winter when you open your car door, and it doesn't matter how well you cleaned your car off, a gust of snow blows in on your seat!

9. I hate liars. Some people just talk to hear themselves, and continue with lies because their life is so boring that they need to lie about it. Some people lie about things to cover their ass like "I finished my homework" but then there are some people that lie about absolutely nothing important like "I just got a new job and I'm making a kajillion dollars an hour" or "I just bought a red dress!" I don't care if this person bought a red dress, and not sure why they would lie about it. Then a few days later you would say "Let me see your red dress?" and they would say "I don't have a red dress....oh ya, I...washed it, ya, and then it shrunk so i took it back!" Why do people lie. I have no respect for liars.

10. Finally I hate...hating. I really don't like concentrating on things I hate, and actually it took me a while to figure out 10 things I actually hate. I think that only reason I blogged about hating things is because I really, really hate that Bed Rock song...and it got me on a rant...that and the buck toothed prima donna.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

March 27, 2009

Earth day today, made me think of a lot of things that have changed over the generations. Now for an hour tonight we are supposed to turn the lights out! I missed it completely last year, probably watching TV, will all the lights were on in the house and the dryer was going with 2 items in it!

I was born in the late 50's. Life was very simple. We had a TV, only black and white, and usually nothing on TV in the mornings when we got up wanting to watch cartoons. The only thing that was on early was Hercules! It was never my favourite cartoon, but there was nothing else on. 'Here he comes Herc, here comes Daedalus"...some reason Newton has to repeat everything. Herc hid a magical ring in his belt and when he needed strength he would put it on his finger and raise it to Zeus to give him strength...that was the 1950's version of 'Precious'.(Lord of the Rings)

We didn't have a remote to change channels or turn up the volume, didn't need one because there was no such thing as satellites or cable, and we had maybe 3 channels. After the 11:00 news there was no programming, just a channel symbol that played a high pitched note...probably to remind anyone that fell asleep watching TV to go to bed!

Later on in the 60's we were bless with Davey and was a 60's rendition of Gumby and Pokey, except there was a moral lesson at the end to affirm the kids faith in God! I don't remember any of the episodes except that the dog (Goliath) could take and always said "HEY DAVVVEY". The dog was the wise one...who knew!

Things were lax in the 50's and 60's...when we went on family vacations, my mother would pack a trunk with every ones stuff, and then we would all shove the seat belts down behind the seat because they used to stick in our back during the long drive to the cottage. Mom made us roll up our windows while her and dad smoked, because it would blow their ashes all over! How did we survive?

My dad drove us to Yorkville one day in the 60's to see the Hippies! Drug smoking, acid dropping, freaks of nature. He wanted us to see what happens if you don't go to school, and what happens to you when you smoke dope! I was terrified. These long haired drug smoking, acid dropping freaks of nature just sat there cross legged, singing, and having Love In's and 'chillin'. How many dope smokers do you see actually physically active? They were all just fried, sitting there after smoking a big fatty, enjoying peace and love. Make love not war. Love the one you are with. Hell no, we won't go. Drop acid not bombs. Dropping bombs for peace is like f*&^ing for virginity. Flower Power.

Now Yorkville is trendy! The price of homes and condos are unattainable, except for the pot smoking, acid dropping millionaires who bought all the property in the 60's, and are now retired on a beach in Jamaica, smoking pot, dropping acid, and lovin' the one their with!

Friday, March 26, 2010

March 26, 2010

As much as I enjoy funny words, I really, truly, absolutely hate some words, and I also really, truly, absolutely hate the misuse of words! Granted we all make typos or spelling mistakes, but when I see an entire paragraph with consistant spelling errors, it drives me nuts!

My cousin Nancy and I used to giggle everytime we heard the word 'moist'. It is a gross word. 'that cake is moist'...ewwwa 'ummm, your meatloaf is really moist!'...omg it's obsene. I hate the word 'Yield'...yyyyeeeeld. I don't know why, it just pisses me off when I hear that word.

Using the word 'seen' without a helper is just wrong. I hear it every day, sometimes from well educated people and it grates my 'I seen you downstairs at the coffee shop' Doesn't that seem wrong when you say it?...or 'I seen him at the coffee shop'...'I seen in the paper that he was arrested for robbing a bank'. 'I seen the movie' ok...'I HAVE seen the movie'......'I saw Uranus'.....stuff like that...there is no excuse for that.

Another faux pas is making up words as you go along...and then generations carry the word on as if it is an actual favourite is 'pritnear'! I am not sure how to spell it, because it isn't actually a real word, but living in the country, I hear it a lot. eg: 'There is pritnear 10 inches of snow out there'...or 'My son is pritnear as tall as I am"...or 'the sky is so clear tonight, I can pritnear see Uranus!"

Thursday, March 25, 2010

March 25, 2010

As you know by now, I have an extremely strange sense of humour, some would say childish, but if you didn't you wouldn't be reading my blog!!! You won't be experiencing literary genius, but it will entertain you...with that being said, and before I carry on with another day of my blog, I wanted to point out one more word that makes me giggle....Uranus....yes, it is a planet...but also a very funny word. It can be used many times for example...someone would say to you "did you see the moon tonight, it is so beautiful" and you say "that's Uranus"....someone could say "look at all the stars!" you say "that's Uranus". Enough is a funny word.

Most of you know that I have a long commute to work. It is 45 minutes each way. It isn't considered long if it was in the city because of traffic, it is just 45 minutes of country driving. I may not have to deal with traffic jams, but I have my own obstacles to deal with.

Winter I have to deal with snow and their farm equipment on the highway going 5 mph (wtf is up with that, like pull over, get the hell out of the way!). I have in the last year missed 3 deer on 3 separate occasions....and I'm talkin' huge honkin' deer with the antlers..not cute Bambi deer. These deer have huge fangs, and pointed antlers...scarey...I have avoided racoons, and I have hit racoons.

Actually, it is kinda a funny story...last spring I was driving home and a small racoon ran in front of me..being an 'excellent driver" (Rainman) I managed to manuver the car expertly, around the little critter. I was thinking to myself, 'wow, I am like Andretti, without hitting the brakes, I manuvered around that little racoon, thinking 'I wonder if the guy behind me was as impressed with my 'excellent driving skills' .....About 2 miles later, and huge racoon ran out...I experty sweared and manuvered, but this time the freakin' racoon kept coming, he didn't stop and cover his eyes like the first one... and thump. So much for my cockiness of being an 'expert driver' and the guy behind me looked a little pisst!

Nothing in my driving experience prepared me for what happened yesterday...about 20 minutes away from home, and small green car pulled out of their driveway in front of me. There was no one a mile in front of me or behind confused me why he pulled in front of me, when if he waited 5 seconds, he could have pulled out behind me...I had to hit the breaks...then he was on the wrong side of the road, then back over to his side (lucky there was no one around coming the other direction) and then hit the side of the road, and swerved back onto the road.

I was nervous and pulled back because I thought he was impaired and was an accident away from killing himself and me..then suddenly I noticed something. I couldn't believe my eyes! This guy had his window rolled down, and was driving with his head hanging out of the window to see where he was going! This moron couldn't take 30 seconds of his morning to scrape the frost off his windshield. Just turned the car on, rolled down the window and drove like Ace Ventura. When we got the the stop sign I was able to get a good look at this loser. There he was, with his arm hanging out the window balancing his pointed little head while it looked both ways before pulling out onto the highway!

I watch in awe and he manouvered and manipulated his car while he drove the highway by memory. In a way I was impressed, that he was comfortable enough to go over 100 kph and not being able to see where he was another way I wanted to get closer to his car to write down his licence plate number, but if I did that I would have had to put my blackberry down!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

March 24, 2010 avenue to talk about's all about me....and nobody can tell me to shut up! First you are probably wondering why my blog is called Tread Softly, carry a big stick! No idea! I was trying to be clever, and was thinking about life, and that is one thing I remember my Grandfather used to say. Not that he was wise, he was usually drunk (fun drunk) and used to tell us when we went for a walk when up at the cottage, that we should 'tread softly and carry a big stick, just in case there are bears out there! He also would stay things like "Open the door for me Richard...but don't close it on me dick!"

Secondly, I am sure you are wondering why there is a picture of Sharon Stone as my profile picture...well, does it count that I took her picture with me when I went to the salon for a haircut? I may not look like Sharon, but I have her coiff.

I suppose that I should make this blog have a purpose rather than blather away. I have numerous random thoughts in a day, usually stupid thoughts, thoughts that you wouldn't expect a 52 year old woman think...I usually post these ridiculous thoughts on Shia Labeouf the name, not the is a funny sounding name..shya laboof...shya laboof. Other things that are random and not really thought provoking...but I giggle childishly when I watch Law and Order and they say 'heinous"...."In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York, the dedicated detectives who investigate these felonies are members of an elite squad known as The Special Victims Unit...these are their stories" snicker...snicker...tee hee hee.

Other things that make me laugh uncontrollably are farts...omg...they are funny. Especially when someone is walking and farting at the same time...People tripping, especially if they don't actually fall and they look behind them like there was something there that was in the way and made them trip. I am very immature, and find when I see someone with their fly down...pfffhahaha that is hilarious! Three stooges stuff makes me laugh. Large moles (I have one don't get offended) but when you see someone like Uncle Buck flipping the principal a quarter to have a rat knaw that thing off...or Austin Powers staring at the mmmmmoooolllle...molley, molley...and then poking it with a that is funny shit!

Well, I don't want to take your entire evening up reading my I will try to think of something more interesting to blog about tomorrow....