April 27, 2010

When I was young, I remember my Grandmother telling me (I don't remember the conversation) that she was sure that Al Capone's mother loved him!

I couldn't imagine someone loving someone that killed people. In my immature mind, I couldn't comprehend that a mother or anyone for that matter, could love someone unconditionally....even if they were a murder or thief or a 'bad guy'.

As I grew up, I learned what it was to love someone for good and bad (not gangster bad) but someone who hurt your feelings, fight or argue with you and then make up and be friends again. These are lessons we learn when we are young with our friends. Having parents that loved me and were there for me also taught me a lesson of love and faith and comfort of knowing someone loved me, didn't matter if I was fat/skinny, ugly/beautiful, bratty/well behaved, they even loved me when I had zits on my chin!!

When I became a teenager, I tested their love more than anyone could imagine, and when I got myself in with the wrong crowd and in a lot of trouble, they still loved me! What was up with that? I couldn't understand why!

As approached my 20's I realized what a 'bitch' I was to my parents when I was a teen, and I even told my mother "I can't believe you still love me after what I put you through when I was a teenager' and she just smiled.

Finally, when I had my own baby I finally realized that I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than I did this tiny baby boy...except one night...I was living with my parents at that time, and I was up all night with a screaming, colicky baby...I hated him, I wanted to hit him, I wanted to shake him. To tell you the truth I don't know what stopped me. Finally, I quietly woke my mother up. I was crying, and I asked her to help me (my then husband never woke up). The baby quietened down eventually with my mother rocking him, and I told her that I "hated the baby. I made a decision and tomorrow I am going to the adoption agency and give him up for adoption, there are many people out there that would love a baby, and I hate him. I hate him and I don't want him anymore"!

My mother sat there, she didn't have a look of shock or pity or anger. She just nodded and said "I understand..I will drive you". I thought to myself 'that was easy' and I felt so much better. She put the baby down to sleep and I crawled into bed myself exhausted and relieved that there was a resolution to my 'problem'.

I woke up late in the morning. My baby didn't wake up! I panicked...I ran to his crib and he was sleeping like...a baby....The memories of the night before flooded back...I ran out to the kitchen where my mother was sitting, drinking her coffee. I panicked, I cried...'what is wrong with me, how could I have said those things, I love him more than air, I can't give him away, what kind of mother am I? What kind of person am I?"

My mother got up and hugged me..."I know Honey" she said "I know you love him, and I know you were just tired and frustrated, and I know you wouldn't give him away!"

I realized that my mother knew what I was going through, and in her wisdom, she just agreed with me instead of arguing, and she knew that when I woke up in the morning, I would have been devastated for even saying these things.

Again, she amazed me. She loved me through my bratty childhood, she loved me through my pukey teenager stage, she even loved me after I told her I hated my baby!

I have 2 amazing children now. My son is 27 and my daughter is 15. I would take a bullet for them. I would give them both my kidneys if they need them, I love them more than air, more than my own life, however both of them have given me challenges. They have both tested me, and I still love them. I will be there for them whether it is to attend court with them, or hold their hair when they are sick. Nothing in this world is more important than my children, and I get it now. I get it why my mom has been there through every stage of my life, even the ugly stages and still loves me with all her being, UNCONDITIONALLY. I also get it why, even though he was a dangerous gangster, Al Capone's mother still loved him.